Marriage Matrix...a work in progress - Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about some big picture stuff that Sandi and I have learned (at times, the hard way) over 25 years of marriage.  As I reflected on all of this last week, I drew a couple of pictures attempting to capture the key dynamics.  (Expressing ideas through simple images or icons has become a way of life for me in recent years...one of the ways I have been blessed by my friends at 3DM.)

The drawing above is a blown up section of the same image I posted yesterday.  I added the heart shape to remind myself about what is most important in our marriage; the covenant reality of two becoming one.  The Bible says, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one flesh." - Genesis 2:24

This is one of the few instances where I like the King James Version of the Bible better, because it includes the wording "leave...and cleave".  So, the process looks like this:

1. I leave my father and mother
2. I cleave to my wife
3. We become one flesh

That will preach!  Just sayin'...

From my vantage point, here are the three dynamics that became the super glue for Sandi and me (the heart in the drawing):

• Predictable patterns of UP/IN/OUT
• Shared ownership
• Emotional and physical intimacy

I have already talked about predictable patterns in previous posts, so let's move on to shared ownership.  What do we share ownership of?  WE ARE CO-OWNERS AND FULL PARTNERS IN OUR MARRIAGE, OUR FAMILY, AND THE KINGDOM ASSIGNMENT GOD HAS GIVEN US.

These three pursuits require us both to be "ALL IN".  We sink or we swim together - and as we do they become the magnetic field that pulls us toward one another and toward Christ.

Intimacy comes through the emotional bonds we establish and nourish through our friendship and partnership in all of life, and through a healthy and loving sexual relationship.  (Don't worry, I am not going to go all "Dr. Ruth" on you!)

The key learning?  Sandi's need for intimacy is primarily met through emotional connection, which gives her the energy and desire for physical intimacy.  I, like many men, am just the opposite.  And this dynamic can become a tug-of-war that leaves both of us feeling disconnected and un-loved, or a beautiful picture of grace in motion as we submit and serve one another.  (Remember, marriage is a metaphor for the relationship of Christ and his church in the New Testament.)

Like a strong muscle, marriage also requires consistent effort.  Here are the ways we WORK HARD to keep connected (see the ropes that span the picture - those are the relational tethers):

1. We empower and free one another up for greater success in work and ministry
2. We learn to speak one another's love languages
3. We find ways to have fun together - and invest the time and money to make it happen

Did I mention we are going on a cruise in a few weeks?  Now that will be fun!

Marriage Matrix...a work in progress - Part 1

Last August Sandi and I celebrated 25 years of marriage.  In three weeks we plan to bask in the Caribbean sunshine aboard a cruise ship celebrating this milestone.

Last Friday I took her to dinner at a sports bar.  We ate burgers and mixed vegetables (my version of a balanced diet) and then split a dessert (half the calories!).  The topic of conversation?  The scribbled image you see above.

Before I delve into my attempt to sketch out something really important, let me give you a sweeping overview of our life together since August 19, 1989.

"I love you.  You love me.  We are PERFECT for each other!  All we need is LOVE!"  

August 19, 1989 - August 27, 1989

***Yes, the exact length of our honeymoon***

"I love you.  You love me.  We make a good team!"

August 28, 1989 - December 17, 1994

***Sandi completed college***

***I started grad school***

***I served as a youth pastor and Sandi was my right hand***

"I love you.  You love me.  Isn't it your turn to change the diaper?"

December 18, 1994 - April 14, 1999

***Megan and Emily were born***

***Sandi quit her job - we live on a youth pastor's income***

***Lots of challenges - Lots of joy - Little money***

"I need you.  You need me.  Whose idea was it to plant this church?"

April 15, 1999 - June 20, 2002

***We plant a church from scratch in a new town***

***Grant is born one month after our first Sunday service***

***We feel overwhelmed - I experience burn out***

"Who are you?  What happened to the person I married?"

June 21, 2002 - September 1, 2009

***Many dark days***

***We never consider divorce (just homicide)***

***It feels like the dream has died***

"A good marriage is costly.  Let's make the investment!"

September 2, 2009 - August 14, 2013

***Healing, Hope, and Trust emerge***

***Renewed, resurrected vision comes into focus***

"You are my pearl of great price.  Time to lay it all on the line."

August 15, 2013 - Today

***I resign my position***

***We move to South Carolina***

***Rediscovery, Re-engagement, Reset***

All of that brings us to today and that odd picture!  Here are 3 take-aways:

1. We submit first to God, then one another
2. A good marriage is like a strong muscle...it requires nourishment and exercise
3. We bless and serve in those areas we are different

The Triangle (see "Building a Discipling Culture" by Mike Breen)

The foundation for our marriage (and certainly this new season of growth) is our mutual ownership of UP/IN/OUT as our highest priorities.

• UP - We love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength
• IN - We love our Christian neighbor as we love ourselves
• OUT - We love the spiritual explorer, also our neighbor, as we love ourselves

In our individual pursuits we have found one another and have linked arms and hearts.  In our love for one another we have submitted our preferences for what blesses our relationship.  In our longing to embrace all that God has for us, we have forfeited our insistence on being "right".

Support tethers that connect us...

The turn around for us began about 6 years ago when we stumbled upon a discovery; we could talk about anything on a walk.  So, we began walking our dog just about every night after dinner.  We walked in the heat, through clouds of mosquitos, in the rain, in the dark, and shivering in the cold and snow.  Walking became a way to exercise not just our bodies, but our flabby communication muscles.  So, we just made a commitment to walk.  We talked about forgiveness, we fought, we cried, we struggled - but we didn't give up.  The things we were able to work through on those walks did more to transform our marriage than anything else.  But it took time and effort.  It required discipline.

Out arrows representing our individual pursuits...

The truth is that Sandi and I are very different from each other in a lot of ways.  She is an extrovert, I am more of an introvert.  She recharges emotionally around other people, I recharge in solitude.  She is an external processor, I am an internal processor.  She loves sappy, romantic comedies, I love gritty science fiction flicks.  I love to hunt and fish, she loves to hunt at the mall.  And on it goes!

We took a personality assessment once for married couples.  The first response that was emailed back to us?  Seek professional counseling.  I am not exaggerating!  

Instead of trying to convince one another to think and feel the way we do about these differences, we are learning what it means to bless and serve.  Sandi is an external processor, so I am learning to listen and engage in conversation without trying to fix anything (so hard for me!).  I am in internal processor, so she is learning to give me space and not demand to talk something out if I am not ready. 

In fact, she says she wants to come duck hunting with me soon!  She will bring a book (something nice and sappy) and I will shoot ducks.  It's going to be awesome!  The catch?  She HAS to wear camo!  (Yes, I will post those pictures...)

The biggest thing I have learned about Sandi's differences?  I am so out of balance with some of my strengths that I need her more than I ever imagined!  She has become my ballast...she keeps me afloat in heavy seas (and hopefully I do the same for her).  

But, what do I mean by "One Life"?  That will be for next time.

Boundaries and burdens - knowing when and how to say "NO" in love

In my last post I broached the subject of "burdens" and "loads" from Galatians 6. Burdens are meant to be shared with other people (think boulder) and loads are meant to be carried personally (think backpack).  Yesterday this question was asked on my FaceBook page:  "Good article, Tom.  But how do you differentiate the two?"

Of course, this is THE question!  Thank you for asking Billy!

Let me quote twice from "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend in response:

"Boundaries define us.  They define what is me and what is not me.  A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership."  (Page 29)

For starters, a load is something that is mine, that I alone own.  A burden is something that is also mine, but not something I have sole ownership over.  Think of a fence encircling what we must own, and within that fence are our loads (things like the words that come out of my mouth, my attitudes and beliefs, my behaviors, my choices, and my thoughts).

When it comes to burdens, imagine a larger area that is also enclosed by a fence.  Within this larger space we can see the first fenced area containing and defining my loads.  The difference?  This larger space that establishes the boundary around my burdens has a fence with several gates.  Why the gates?  Because, when it comes to burdens I need to open the gate from the inside and invite others into my life to help carry the weight of the burden.  And they need to do the same with me.

Here is a longer quote:

"We are responsible to others and for ourselves.  "Carry each other's burdens," says Galatians 6:2, "and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ."  This verse shows our responsibility to one another.

Many times others have "burdens" that are too big to bear.  They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help.  Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ.  This is what Christ did for us.  He did what we could not do for ourselves; he saved us.  This is being responsible "to".

On the other hand, verse 5 says that "each one should carry his own load."  Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry.  These things are our own particular "load" that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out.  No one can do certain things for us.  We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own "load".

...These loads are like knapsacks.  Knapsacks are possible to carry.  We are expected to carry our own.  We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it takes effort.

Problems arise when people act as if their "boulders" are daily loads, and refuse help, or as if their "daily loads" are boulders they shouldn't have to carry.  The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility."  (Page 31)

So, I must be responsible for my own loads, but to others as I help carry their burdens.

How does this play out in real life?  One of the burdens our kids had when they were young was waking up in the morning to get dressed, eat breakfast, and arrive to school on time.  When they were in elementary school we would go into their rooms each morning and wake them up.  (We had one that woke up with a smile, one that just couldn't wake up, and another that woke up breathing fire!)  These were shared burdens because most 8 year olds lack the ability to set an alarm clock and wake themselves in the morning.  They needed our help - so we gave it to them.

By the time our kids entered high school this burden shifted to a load.  They now had the ability to set an alarm and get up on time, and we had to shift our parenting style.  There was a period of time when they still wanted to treat their load as our burden, and we had to say "no" to that.  We also had many mornings when we were making multiple trips to school because one of them failed to get up on time to catch the bus.  This became a power struggle and made morning quite stressful.

The solution?  We needed to give our children full ownership of waking up and getting to school on time, and NOT rescue them when they failed to do do.  Here is what this meant for us:

1. We will not come into your room to wake you up - but we will provide you with an alarm clock and teach you how to use it.
2. We encourage you to eat a healthy breakfast, and will provide good choices for you each morning.  It is your responsibility to give yourself enough time to eat breakfast and clean up your dishes before leaving for school.
3. If you oversleep and need us to drive you to school you may ask us.  If we are available we will do it - but it will cost you $3 for fuel and our time.
4. If you oversleep and miss class you will deal with whatever consequences may come.  We will not make excuses for you if contacted by the school.

This may sound a bit harsh to some of you (it certainly did to our kids at first) but when done in love and genuine concern for what we believed was best for our children it made all the difference.  Saying "no" while communicating love and support is a skill that will require some practice, but definitely one worth learning.

Carrying loads and sharing burdens...taking ownership of what is really mine

I recently had breakfast with a friend.  As we were enjoying our bacon and eggs the conversation turned to a passage of scripture in Galatians 6 that I had been thinking a lot about in recent days.  Here is the passage:

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.  But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.  Each one should test their own actions.  Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load."  ~ Galatians 6:1 - 5

I was reminded of a great book I read years ago called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.  They defined "burden" and "load" as:

• Burden - A challenge in your life that is too heavy to carry alone.  In fact, it is God's will that believers help carry one another's burdens.  It is like a boulder that no one should attempt to pick up by themselves.
• Load - A challenge or responsibility that God has given to me, and that I am suppose to carry myself.  In the original language "load" referred to the small packs soldiers wore on their backs as they marched.

(If you want more from Dr. Henry Cloud on this check out http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries/burden-boulder/)

In a perfect world each of us carries our own loads, and we all help one another carry burdens.  This is Christian community at its finest (such as we see in the early chapters of Acts).  But, we don't live in that perfect world (not yet, anyways) and we need to learn how to live successfully in this current reality we call life.  And that means, of course, we get it wrong often.

Here is the most common way I have gotten this wrong over the years, and some steps I am taking to get it right.  Consider the following progression:

1. Mistaking people's loads for burdens
2. Encouraging dependency upon me instead of Christ
3. Resentment and being resented 
4. Failing to carry my own load
5. Repeating the cycle

I begin to veer off course when I think of the load someone is struggling to carry as a burden that I am suppose to help shoulder.  Why do I so often misjudge these situations?

• I want to be the hero - I want to swoop in and save the day!
• I want to feel important.  If I can meet this need for them, they will look to me in the future.
• I want to prove my competencies.  If I can solve this problem for you, then I will feel better about myself.

Initially this all seems fine and good.  Someone had a need, I helped to meet the need. Everybody is happy, right?  In fact, no, everyone is only happy for a short time, but then more serious problems develop...

One big problem?  The other person now looks to me.  They want me to continue helping them with their load - they may even ask me to carry other loads that I didn't even know about.  This would be OK if it was a burden, but because this is a load God wants them to learn to carry on their own I find myself at cross purposes with God.  When I am working against what God wants I do so in my own flesh - there is no grace given for this.

Now I am in a situation where they expect me to keep coming through for them, but I am quickly running out of energy.  This is a time bomb that will explode sooner or later...

Inevitably the day comes when I let them down.  I just can't keep carrying their load anymore.  At this juncture I am feeling tired and frustrated.  "Why do they expect so much from me?"  I feel taken for granted, I feel used, and eventually I resent them for it.  

How are they feeling?  Incredibly disappointed, hurt, and probably angry.  I had implicitly made promises to them that I failed to keep.  The irony?  Those who loved me most and sung my praises with such vigor are now the very people that resent me and speak ill of me.  Ouch.

The next step in this downward spiral?  Now I feel hurt.  "How could they treat me this way after all I did for them?"  "How could they be so ungrateful?"  What is wrong with these people?  This church?  This marriage?

As I get sucked into the vortex I lose the energy and desire to carry my own loads.  I begin struggling to connect with God on a daily basis.  I don't feel like exercising or engaging my children.  I get irritable with my wife and start feeling sorry for myself.  Before long I begin treating my own loads like burdens, and wonder why I have no one to help me...

The final stage?  I severe the relationships (they are too painful) and move on to a new setting.  Initially it feels so good to leave all of those immature, whining, and needy people behind.  Good riddance! The problem?  I soon begin repeating the cycle with these new relationships.

3 ways God is teaching me to grow up

1. Don't fix, model.  Instead of trying to fix what is wrong in people's lives, focus on modeling for them a life worth imitating.  This means carrying my own loads and asking for help with burdens.
2. Point to Jesus.  When I disciple someone I am saying "follow me as I follow Christ".  God is the only one who can meet your deepest needs.  He is the living water and the bread from heaven.  Learn from me how to connect every day with the source of life.
3. Say "no".  There are people out there who will gladly ask you to carry every load they own.  They have never been challenged or equipped to pull their own weight.  If I really love them I will say "no" when asked to carry their loads - and if they are teachable, I will share what I have learned along the way.

What it really means to pull the curtain back on our brokenness - Part 2

In my last post I told the story of how God brought me to the place where I was desperate enough for breakthrough (for my own life and for those I cared about) that I was willing to confront, confess, and repent of my brokenness.

This selfie shows some of the joy that has come into our lives since that day (I will explain why we bought a boat later).

The Confrontation

Driving home from that church plant in May of 2013 I had one recurring, gut level, visceral reaction - "never again".  Something inside of me broke that morning - something that had been under tension for years finally snapped.  And, here's the best way I can describe it:

Pursuing kingdom advancement (such as church planting) that is not built upon a firm foundation of covenant faithfulness (life on life relationships that spur us toward Christlikeness) is like running through a mine field at full speed..uphill...at night...alone.

After 15 years I had seen enough carnage...there had to be a better way.  I was done with it.

Another way to say it?

Engaging the OUT ("to seek and save the lost" - Luke 15) without a deepening and healthy IN (investing in Christians who have a hunger to grow in the character and competencies of Christ) results in short term gains but long term losses.

The time had come for me to look these truths in the eye.  And the truth was I was perpetuating a system that produced kingdom advancement at an unsustainable pace.  It was one step forward, but two steps backwards far too often.  The horse was dead.  It was time to dismount.

The Confession

There were two people I had to speak with about this...this shift, this awakening.  The first was Sandi, and the second was long time mentor, friend, and boss, Jim Keller.  Here is what I needed to confess:

1. In my attempts to do ministry for God by planting churches, I had neglected to establish the necessary rhythms at home to disciple my own family well.
2. Sandi and I needed a reset in our marriage and ministry.  We had somehow strayed from the integrated life we had experienced during the first 10 years...we needed to reclaim that ground.  And I needed to lead.
3. I no longer believed in the methods I was employing as a church planting leader.  It was the end of the line...time to learn a new way.

The Change

To repent means to change your mind, to turn around.  My repentance involved two huge changes:

1. I resigned my position as Church Planting Director
2. I led my family to South Carolina to serve an unpaid apprenticeship with 3DM - a crucial step in the reset Sandi and I needed, and an opportunity to learn a new way to disciple my family and the leaders God had called me to serve.

So, why the picture of our family speeding down the Waccamaw River on our newly purchased, very used boat?  When I see that picture it reminds me of the new rhythms we have established since moving south, rhythms that have brought us closer as a family, rhythms that have brought laughter and blessing.

• UP Rhythm - Every Tuesday night we have dinner together, read a chapter of the Bible, talk about it, and pray for one another.  Also, the past two months Sandi and I have been praying together just about every day.
• IN Rhythm - Every Thursday night we invite a family over for dinner.  We pray that God will lead us to people he wants us investing in.  And when we see his grace, we follow it.  That's it.
• OUT Rhythm - We walk our neighborhood a couple of times each week, and once a month we invite people to our home for brunch on a Saturday morning.  Again, we ask God to show us who the people of peace are, and we follow the grace.
• Every Sunday morning our family enjoys a big breakfast. No agenda - we just enjoy good food and one another.

As we have pulled together around these four rhythms something else began happening - we just started enjoying being together more.  Sandi and I began looking for ways we could start having more fun as a family, thus the boat.  

So, pulling the curtain back and bringing my brokenness into the light actually was the prelude to breakthrough.  Instead of shame and condemnation, I have found grace and a new voice to speak into leader's lives.  And, as a family, we are gaining ground that I believe we will keep.

And, don't forget - it was only after the Wizard came out from behind that curtain that he was able to empower others and experience real freedom.

What it really means to pull the curtain back on our brokenness - Part 1

At 9 a.m. this morning I logged on to my Google + Hangout and started a coaching call with 5 pastors from all over the U.S.  Toward the end of the call one of them made a confession that all of us need to own at some point if we are ever going to experience true breakthrough as discipling leaders:

"I feel like the Wizard of Oz behind that curtain.  I know how to run the systems of our church, but I don't know how to invite people into my life and show them how to live as a disciple."

That may be worth reading again...

During our conversation, it was apparent that the following dynamics were at play:

1. No one had ever modeled for him how to make disciples who make disciples in the local church
2. He worried that if he gave honest access into his life, his marriage, and his family people may not want to follow him
3. He was so busy running the organization of the church that he didn't have any time left over to make disciples

My response?  Amen, Amen, and Amen!

For most, this is our starting point if we are honest about it.  And, if we have the courage to own this and confess it, this can become the starting blocks that we push against to move forward into the race.

I remember well a few years back when God shifted my focus from the nuts and bolts involved in the process of recruiting church planters and launching churches to the life on life realities of being a disciple of Jesus who makes disciples of Jesus.  I started caring a lot more about who these leaders were becoming, in the health of their marriages, and in sustainable and life giving rhythms that would take them far beyond "Launch Sunday".

Almost immediately a tension arose in me that I didn't expect.  On the one hand, I knew this shift toward discipleship as foundational for all ministry was a very good thing.  But, on the other hand, I also knew that I wasn't a good example of what this was suppose to look like.

My reality was that I traveled a lot for my job as a Church Planting Director.  My wife worked full time in sales and also traveled.  We lived over 20 minutes away from the church we attended, and our involvement was not especially deep or meaningful.  Our three teenage children were going through the normal stuff that teenagers go through, but I was not providing intentional leadership in the home to disciple them along the way.  In fact, the truth be known, I wasn't even leading my wife very well.  We seldom prayed together.  Most ministry attempts we made felt burdensome.  And, deep down, I felt like something very important in our marriage and our family was slipping away, but I had no idea what to do about it.

BUT - I was good at my job.  I was good at building teams, raising resources, and laying the groundwork to start new churches.  I could coach leaders, I could bridge the gap between the young planter and the denomination, and I could communicate well.  And, all of those are good things.

However, those good things were becoming my curtain.  I performed them well, but I also hid behind them.  There was a brokenness behind that curtain that I felt, but was afraid to own.  I was too embarrassed...there was too much at stake...what if people didn't want to follow me?

And then, the day came.  The day came when I could no longer ignore the brokenness, no longer cover it up with my competencies.  It was a Sunday in May, 2013.  I was visiting one of our church plants.  And, as I watched this young couple scramble around to build momentum in this baby church I began thinking about the toll this experience was taking on them, their marriage, and their children.  I could see the handwriting on the wall; they were in for the struggle of their lives in the coming months to hold all of this together.  We had trained them to gather a crowd and conduct a good worship service, but we had not trained them how to make disciples.

I could see my own brokenness on display.  But worse, I could see the sorrow and stress they were heading for, and I was the one who put them there.  My own story of burn out and deep cynicism for the church was being acted out for a new generation.  The only difference?  This time, I was one of the directors.

As I sat there that morning, taking all of this in, these two words bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me; "Never again".  I knew in that moment that I could never again put another family on the front lines of church planting without training and apprenticeship in making disciples.

But where would these trainers come from?  Who would we connect these aspiring church planters to apprentice with?

And then, the other shoe fell.  God was calling me to become one of those trainers.  God was calling me to provide a living example of a life worth imitating for these leaders.  But first, I had to pull back the curtain and admit my brokenness.  It was time to step out and begin dealing with the heart issues, and that meant owning my failures and struggles as a husband and father.  And that wasn't going to be easy...

How to grieve the death of a vision...Part 2

In my last post I began telling the story of the rise, the fall, the rise, and the fall of a vision that God gave to Sandi and me when we were still high school sweethearts (to serve him as a couple and lead others to do the same).  This picture is from that era.  In it we are 17 and 15 years old.  (We plunked down $20 to have this old fashioned picture taken at Cedar Point in Ohio.  It hangs today in our living room as a testimony to God's faithfulness and our stubborn love for one other these past 30 years.)

As I was saying, we went for a long walk the other night and God opened my eyes to a few things that helped shift me out of angry despair into patient hope.

The decision to take this emergency walk (code for "time to argue away from the kids") came upon the heels of Sandi reading a 4 page letter from me that spelled out my struggle with this most recent setback.  (If you feel totally lost right now - be sure to read part 1...)

Sandi was angry and hurt by some of the things I had written, and she had every right to be.  I was brutally honest about my frustration, my heart break, and my deep disappointment (maybe too brutal in places).  Here is how I ended that letter:

God has given us a vision, and it goes back to our high school days.  When we moved to South Carolina I embraced a specific version of this vision – meaning that I began filling in the blanks of the “how” and the “when”.  How was this going to come about?  Our employment with 3DM and my relationship with the Missionary Church would give us the training, experience, and network to begin coaching and training leadership couples as our full time calling.  When would this take place?  Within 2 – 3 years.

I could see that vision so clearly – it was in brilliant HD and coming more to life each day.

And then, our jobs with 3DM ended and it was stabbed in the heart.  Two weeks ago you took a full time job, and it died.

Am I able to believe in this vision again?  Am I able to mourn the loss and reimagine – through the eyes of faith – God resurrecting this vision and fulfilling it in another way and at another time? 

That was an intense and lively conversation!  Through it, God brought 3 things into focus for me:

1. It's OK to grieve losses.  In fact, it's essential.
2. God's vision requires God's methods.
3. God's vision requires God's timing.

The insight God has given me about grieving is that I need to find constructive ways to vent my grief, anger, and disappointment.  My inspiration here is David.  God never seems to weary of his complaints, struggles, or highs and lows.  

Take Psalm 13:1 - 2 as a good example:

How long, Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Like David, I best express difficult and complex emotion through writing - and that's a good thing.  But here is the new learning: I don't need to share all of that with Sandi 5 minutes after I write it down.  In fact, it may be better if I bring some of this venting to a trusted male friend who will help me process and reshape it before inflicting it upon my wife.  The letter I wrote her the other day came 10 days after the initial journal entry, and went through several revisions.  It still made for a difficult conversation, but I did avoid blowing up the entire thing by dumping unfiltered emotion on her.  And that, my friend, we call progress.

The other insight about grief?  I tend to grieve losses much later than Sandi does.  She feels the loss immediately and begins the process right away.  I, on the other hand, get assertive early on to deal with the threat.  After doing whatever I can to mitigate the loss, I then experience a delayed grief.  Sometimes my grief comes so long after the actual loss that I fail to connect the dots initially.  This dynamic is both good and bad for us.  It is good because we are not both grieving at the same time.  It is bad because sometimes I lack empathy for Sandi's grief, and then she has to go through it all over again with me later.  

The other "aha" moment was this: God is not like me.  (Big surprise, right?)  All of us who have spent much time in Scripture are familiar with the basic idea that God's ways are different, higher, and better than our ways.  In fact, the Bible says that like the heavens are higher than the earth, so are God's ways higher than our ways.

We get this intellectually.

However, like Abraham and Sarah, we struggle to submit ourselves to God's methods and timing.  Instead of waiting patiently 25 years for God to give them a son of their own (Isaac), they take matters into their own hands and attempt to bring about God's promise through their best efforts and planning.  This never works.  God's will can only unfold in God's way and on God's timetable.  

It occurred to me recently that the vision I had for us moving to South Carolina was one possible version of the vision God had given us 30 years ago.  Just like the vision I had as a church planter was one possible version.  In both instances, I started filling in the "how" and the "when" variables with my own predictions and expectations.  Over time I became emotionally attached to these versions of the vision, and when they did not play out the way I anticipated, I felt totally abandoned by God.

The key?  Somehow we need to remain open to God's methods and timing, even when it seems so obvious to us what the BEST ways and whens actually are.  This requires a daily submission to God - a daily surrender to both his goodness and greatness.  Each day we die to our agenda and expectations, and give ourselves (including our visions) over to the Lord.  This is part of what Jesus meant when he said we are to take up our cross daily and follow him.  

So, how do you grieve the death of a vision?

1. Give yourself permission to grieve whenever and however you need to grieve.  It's OK, God can handle it.  (And, find mature and safe people to grieve with you - be careful not to make your grief a burden too heavy for others to carry.)
2. In one hand, hold tightly to the vision God has given you (double checking for alignment with his word and godly counsel), but in the other hand, hold loosely the hows and the whens.
3. Remind yourself often that the cornerstone of the Christian faith is the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  If God was able to raise Christ from the dead, he is certainly able to resurrect the vision he gave you.

How to grieve the death of a vision...Part 1

Sandi and I met at Bethesda Baptist Church (near Detroit) just before Christmas in 1981 (almost 33 years ago now, how is that even possible?)  I was 14 and she was 12.  A romance began the following spring that swept us both off our feet.  We saw each other at church and youth group every week.  We talked on the phone almost every day.

By the time I graduated high school in 1985 we viewed ourselves as leaders and shepherds for the other students in our youth ministry.  In fact, we believed that God had brought us together for that purpose.  A vision was birthed in our hearts that someday God would use us as a team to strengthen Christians and share the good news of Jesus with spiritual explorers in a compelling way.

Fast forward to 1989.  I graduated college in May and we were married on August 19th.  The following year we began investing in middle school and high school students.  For the next 8 years we served in youth ministry while Sandi finished college, I completed seminary, and we started a family.  These were incredibly fruitful years for us - we were actually experiencing the fulfillment of that youthful vision.

In 1998 we moved to a new town and planted a church.  More fruit.  More vision alignment.  Lots of people growing in their faith and meeting Jesus for the first time in a personal way.

And then, in 2002 it all came crashing down.  I experienced burn out as a pastor of this young church, and an extended period of depression followed.  Those were some very dark days for us.  The beautiful vision that had propelled us for over 15 years simply died, and we were hanging on for dear life.

We limped along for the next 5 years.  I started a painting business to pay the bills, Sandi went to work in technology sales, and we focused on survival.  We couldn't talk about ministry, or church, or anything that reminded us of the calling we thought God had placed on our lives as teenagers.  It was too painful.  Our grief was too profound.

But God, in time, brought healing.  Through counseling,  hundreds of miles walking through our neighborhood, and a few older mentors speaking into our lives, we began to believe again.  Maybe God wasn't through with us after all.  Maybe he still wanted to use us - just in a different way than we imagined.  Our faith and courage began to grow and deepen, and by the spring of 2013 we were ready to jump back into the deep end with both feet.  We packed up our family, said a very painful goodbye to our oldest daughter and my sick father, and moved to South Carolina to pursue an opportunity that we believed would get us back on track.

Our first year in Pawleys Island held so much promise that we purchased a home and began putting down roots.  This felt like a second chance for us, and we didn't want to miss it (in spite of the high price we were paying relationally and emotionally living over 800 miles from family).  As we began year two the ministry organization that we both worked for started to unravel, and soon we were both out of a job.

I went back to my long standing relationship with the Missionary Church, began coaching Christian leaders, and revived my painting business.  2 weeks ago Sandi took a full time job locally in sales.  And, while we feel incredibly grateful for God's provision, we are incredibly saddened by what feels like a second death of the vision.  Once again I am mostly on my own in ministry while Sandi works full time.  By the time dinner dishes are put away and we do our best to parent two teenagers and one college student, there isn't much time or energy left over.

• "What does this mean?"  
• "What are we going to do?"
• "Why did God bring us all the way down to South Carolina?"
• "Is it time to just accept reality and forget about the vision?"

These are the questions we have wrestled with in recent weeks.  And, I will be honest, I've had moments of deep despair.  There have been days I have doubted God's love and wisdom.  There have been days I have felt like such a fool for leading my family on this rabbit trail south to what appears to be a dead end.

But, last night Sandi and I took an hour long walk in the rain.  And, as we splashed through the muddy streets of Hagley, God opened my eyes to a few things.  These few things will be game changers for us.  And I will write about them very soon...

Gauging expectations for real life...lessons learned while duck hunting

This past Saturday was the youth opener for waterfowl in South Carolina.  So, at 4 a.m. the alarm sounded and I woke up our 15 year old son, Grant, and within 30 minutes we had our boat in the water.

Grant was excited.

I was very excited.

This was going to be a GREAT duck hunt, we were both really feeling it.

However, within 2 minutes we ran into our first setback.  "Dad, did you put the plug in?"
Oh no, we forgot to put the plug back into the boat!  (The plug is a helpful little device that allows you to drain water from the boat once on the trailer - but really needs to be in place before launching the boat unless you feel like swimming.)  So, we pulled the boat back out of the water and waited about 5 minutes as a few gallons of the intercoastal waterway gushed back to where it belonged.

OK, we were now in the boat, on the water, and no longer leaking.  That was progress!  We arrived at the spot where we wanted to hunt, but someone was already there.  We thought 4 a.m. was early enough - but it turns out that for the really good spots you need to get up even earlier.  Make mental note...

We find a new spot and put out the decoys, and in the process of doing all of that in the dark I left one of our anchor lines in the water and started the motor.  Uh oh, now we only have half of an anchor line!  (Mental note number three, make sure all lines are fully in boat before starting motor!)

So, needless to say, we ran into several difficulties that morning.  (And I didn't even mention losing my favorite hat and one of our brand new decoys...)  So, here is the question my wife asked me - "Did you have fun?"  Another way to phrase that same question, "was it a successful hunt?"

When it comes to feeling successful in hunting or any area of life, we have to first examine our expectations.  The truth is, we would have been in serious trouble if our expectations that morning were to:

1. Sleep in 
2. Make zero mistakes and encounter zero obstacles
3. Enjoy sunny, warm weather
4. Limit out on ducks in time to enjoy a hot breakfast

Grant and I expected to wake up extremely early, to hit a snag or two along the way (we are still novice duck hunters, after all), and shiver as we motored across the water at 4:30 a.m. in 35 degrees.  Although we had feelings of frustration at times, those feelings did not dominate our experience or ability to enjoy the hunt.  In fact, we were laughing about most of them later that day (I admit to still feeling a little frustrated about that stupid anchor line!)

So, was it a successful hunt?  I would say yes, because of the following expectations I had on the front end:

1. Safety on the water (coming back dry and in one piece)
2. Extended time with my son doing something we both enjoy
3. Appreciating the beauty of God's creation
4. Putting Grant in front of a few ducks and giving him an opportunity to shoot

Expectations are critical.  Not only do they determine whether or not we can enjoy life, they also guide us when aligned with our deepest values.  This morning I read Acts 14.  Paul had just been stoned and left for dead in Lystra, and upon returning to the church in Antioch he says; "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God."

Did you catch that?  Going through hardships should be something we expect as part of kingdom living.  Are we defined by those hardships?  No!  We find our identity as children of the king.  We HAVE TO go through hardships because we GET TO enter the kingdom of God.  The consistent teaching of the Bible is that enduring temporary hardships en route to all that God has for us (in this life and the one to come) is a very good and gracious trade off.  Jesus said succinctly, that only when we lose our lives do we find true life.

Why all of the hardships?  They come for several reason in my life:

1. I make mistakes, and sometimes just decide to sin even though I know better, and suffer the consequences
2. Other people make mistakes and sin, and it impacts my life
3. As Christians we live in a broken world that is not yet redeemed - we are not home yet and will struggle in our pilgrimage (Jesus said we would have trouble in this world, in fact, he said we would be persecuted and hated because of our faith in him)
4. God is training me to be more like Christ - inside and out - and that means I must continually repent and change.  Change is always painful.

These hardships are the turbulent air we pass through as we travel to our destination.  If seated, buckled, and expecting hardships we can ride them out with grace, and at times, with a little humor.  If walking down the aisle holding a cup of steaming hot coffee - acting as though we have already arrived in paradise - we are going to get burned, and so are the people around us.

The question I leave you with today: what informs your expectations for life in the kingdom?  How do you define "success"?  Are we taking what Jesus and Paul said seriously about the bumpy road ahead for all Christ followers, or have we internalized the values of a culture which holds out safety, comfort, happiness, and pain avoidance as the greatest good?

...by the way, because we have a gracious and loving Heavenly Father who delights in giving good gifts to his children, Grant did limit out on wood ducks within 10 minutes, and we did eat that hot breakfast!  But the beauty of it all is that it would have been a win for us either way.

What to do when your rhythms get shred to ribbons

I listened to Acts 8 this morning while eating breakfast (this is a new rhythm I am experimenting with - yesterday I listened to Acts 7 while lying in bed before my feet touched the floor - not sure about using the Bible as my snooze alarm though...).  Why am I experimenting with new rhythms for getting into God's word and prayer?  Simply put, our old rhythms have been shredded.

For most of this year Sandi and I got up in the morning, exercised a few days per week, had breakfast, helped get the kids off to school, and went to our jobs at 3DM by 8:30 where we spent 30 minutes in worship, the word, and prayer.  These were firmly established rhythms for us, and they worked.

However, we no longer work for 3DM and Sandi's new job starts at 8 a.m.  I think they call this the "real world".

So, what are we supposed to do when life throws us a curve?  How do we maintain healthy rhythms for abiding in Christ, times of solitude, exercise, praying together as a family, and building redemptive relationships with spiritual explorers when the bottom falls out of our routine?

Back to Acts 8.  We read in verse 2 that a great persecution broke out against the church after the stoning of Stephen and "all except the apostles were scattered throughout Judea and Samaria".  Talk about your routine getting interrupted!  These were the same believers we read about in Acts 2 who met "every day... in the temple courts" and who "broke bread in their homes."  They had a beautiful rhythms of temple courts (public space where they worshipped and taught God's word) and personal space (where they ate meals together and experienced deeper community in their homes).

These believers no longer lived in Jerusalem (no more temple courts) and were driven from their homes.  They had to find new ways to daily connect with God, one another, and people who had never heard of Christ in a brand new place.  How did they do it?

Luke doesn't give us many details on that question, but he does offer a key insight in verse 4: "Those who had been scattered preached the word wherever they went."

In spite of the suffering, the hardship, the loss, and the destruction of the life they knew in Jerusalem, these disciples saw themselves as God's sent people, period.  Their new rhythms for UP/IN/OUT flowed from their identity as God's beloved and sent children.  The "what" of daily rhythms grew anew from the soil of "who" they were in Christ and what he was asking them to do.  Namely, to go and make disciples.

So, far Sandi and me right now, the important questions revolve around our identity in Christ, and his over arching calling upon our lives.  From there we will pray for wisdom as we establish new rhythms that are:

1. In alignment with our identity and calling
2. Sustainable
3. Scalable (we start small and simple)
4. Integrated (they flow with the current of our lives and calling and don't feel forced)

Another way of saying all of that?  We follow the grace of God that always goes before us and prepares a way.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Investing in the things that will outlive us

Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death.  My dad, Marvin Blaylock, slipped away from us at 9:55 a.m. on November 6th, 2013.  My mom, my brother, and I were all standing around his bed at home when he passed.  I was holding his hand.  I was the one to close his eyes.  It was one of the hardest days of my life.  And, it was the closest I have ever felt to my brother and  mom...

These two photos are part of a collage that hangs in our kitchen.  Our son, Grant, is pictured with my dad in both of them.  My dad loved all of his grandchildren, but there was a special connection he shared with Grant.

Grant and I were driving to Charleston last week, and as my thoughts turned to dad I asked him, "what are some of your best memories of Grandpa?"  Grant mentioned three things:

1. Pounding nails with him in the garage when I was little
2. The knives he gave me
3. Deer hunting with him

Of all the days and hours Grant spent with his Grandpa, those were the first three memories to come to his mind.  Those memories, those skills learned, the knives, the shotgun, and the tools handed down to Grant are now part of dad's legacy that will live on.  And, they are very much alive in Grant's mind and heart today.  My guess is he will pass them down to his children someday as well...

Everyone leaves a legacy.  Everyone will pass down certain memories and experiences that will outlive them and shape the lives of people not yet born.

When someone stands over you and me to close our eyes for that final time on this earth - what will we leave behind?

I am so grateful today that my dad invested so many good things into my life and the lives of our kids.  Thank you dad - I love you and I really miss you today.  You were a good man.

Important clues from Acts 1 on how to make disciples like Jesus

I began reading the book of Acts again this morning for the umteenth time.  Like many people, I am drawn to Luke's account of the birth and baby steps of the church Christ promised to build upon Peter's confession of faith in Matthew 16.  I love the shock and awe, of course (flaming tongues, angelic jail breaks, well timed earthquakes, people literally dying after falling asleep in church - and then being raised back to life...)  Every student of the Bible comes to the same conclusion at some point: truth really is stranger than fiction!

But the deeper reason I keep coming back to Acts is simply this: I long to see how the kingdom of God works in the life of real people, like me.  

Here's what jumped out at me today as I read Luke's summary of Christ's life in the first few verses of chapter one:

1. He wrote about what Jesus began to do and to teach until the day he was taken up to heaven
2. Jesus gave instructions through the Holy Spirit to the apostles he had chosen
3. Jesus suffered
4. After his suffering, he presented himself alive to his apostles

Luke goes on to write about the Holy Spirit and Jesus' re-commissioning of his disciples, but that will have to wait for another day.  For now, let's think about Luke's introductory remarks.

Show and Tell

Luke refers back to the biography he wrote (we call it the Gospel of St. Luke!) and condenses it to these few words, "I wrote about what Jesus began to do and to teach".

So, Jesus DID some stuff, and he TAUGHT some stuff.  Let that just sink in for a moment...Jesus took action and lived an UP/IN/OUT in front of people, and then he taught them the true nature of God and his kingdom.

I don't know about you, but in my attempts to imitate Jesus (especially while pastoring a church) I eventually defaulted to "teach stuff, and then teach MORE stuff".  Ouch.

Jesus had a plan

Whenever Sandi and I leave town for a few days, she writes out a detailed list of instructions for the kids and whoever is staying with them.  These instructions always include schedules, meal planning, and specific things they need to get done before we come back.  My wife has a plan, and she knows how to communicate that plan to our kids and those we entrust to lead them and care for them while we are gone.  And, by the way, we are coming back and we really do expect our instructions to be followed...

So, Jesus gave instructions to his apostles because he had a plan.  Do we have a plan?

Dallas Willard said the two most important questions Christian leaders need to ask are:

1. What is your plan for making disciples?
2. Is it working?

Taking up your cross

Luke mentions the suffering of Jesus.  The plain facts are that he suffered in Jerusalem and died naked and alone on a Roman cross.

The call to follow Jesus is a call to die.  As we grow into his character and competencies, there are many deaths that must happen along the way.  Right now God is calling Sandi and me to die to a dream of serving together vocationally in ministry.  Sandi begins a new, full time job next week.  And, while we are grateful for the financial provision, we are mourning the death of a dream to coach and train leaders - and especially couples - together.

Dying doesn't feel good.

No death?  No resurrection.

"After his suffering, he presented himself ALIVE..."  The call to follow Jesus is not only a call to die, but also a call to experience the resurrected life of Christ.  The simple truth?  There is no resurrection apart from death.

Sandi and I are believing that what God asks us to die to today, he will resurrect in the future.  Of course, it may not happen in three days!  God will take the grain of wheat that falls into the ground and dies, and in his own timing infuse it with the very life of Christ and push it up from the soil.

What are you dying to today?  Is your faith in our God of resurrection stronger than your fear of letting go of it?

Is God preparing the United States for a missional movement?

I was asked this question last week by one of the district leaders I am coaching: 

“What are the 3-5 essential things that are absolutely necessary for starting a missional movement in our region or district?” 

I love this question!  The vision of a fresh, Holy Spirit empowered, movement of disciple making that sweeps spiritual explorers into the family of God and equips Christians to obey the command of Christ to make disciples (who obey the things he taught) has captivated the imagination of so many leaders I serve.  And, while we rejoice to see this happening in China and Africa, our hearts long to experience it right here, in the United States.

Here was my response – thought it would be worth passing along.

1.     A disciple-making engine

No matter what missional vehicle you choose, and there have been many of them used by God over the years, it is only as good as the engine that propels it.  (See Mike Breen’s blog post.)

A consistent method of apprenticing believers in the words, works, and ways of Jesus who actually pay it forward is the only way mission becomes both Christ-centered and sustainable.  

2.     Leaders who go first

“Do as I say but not as I do” has never worked well for anybody.  A missional movement that saturates an entire group of churches must be sparked by leaders who both SHOW and TELL what it means to live as a disciple of Jesus.  Remove imitation from the process and you end up with just another program – no matter how good the teaching.  (See my earlier post on this.)

3.     Small beginnings in lots of places

The top down-we are going to plant 2,020 new churches by 2020-approach just doesn’t move most of us beyond initial excitement.  To hear our denominational leaders (like me) talk about our grand visions from the stage (that your churches are going to fund, by the way…) becomes exhausting as the goal posts are moved from year to year and from administration to administration.  However, pastors talking with their peers about how God is at work among their people multiplying disciples (even just a few at first) and forming redemptive relationships with spiritual explorers which lead to faith in Christ?  Now you have my attention.

4.     A good rehab program

The reality is that most of us as leaders, along with our churches, are addicted to a version of success that is measured in “buildings, budgets, and butts”.  We count what we value, and most of us count square footage, money, and attendance.  And, until we change what we care about, nothing much will really change. 

My father (who passed away last year) was addicted to alcohol most of his adult life.  And, over time, our addictions have a way of defining and shaping us.  But, the day came when the doctor told him, “Marvin, you have two choices: quit drinking and live, or continue to drink and die.”  And on that day 11 years ago my father chose life.  The power of addiction was overcome by the promise of life and the fear of death.  (I am incredibly proud of my dad for making this difficult choice and remaining sober from that day forward.  When I think of him now I don’t think of him as an alcoholic.  Instead, I remember him for who he was – a man who had the courage and tenacity to face his demons and chose love over fear, life over death.  A man my kids only remember as the Grandpa who loved them.)

A recognition and ownership of our misplaced affections…a true spirit of brokenness and repentance…the sense of urgency we feel when staring death in the face…the courage and tenacity to choose love over fear when it gets hard…the hope for spiritual grandchildren who begin families of their own.  This is the journey.

5.     The guidance, energy, empowerment, and conviction of the Holy Spirit

Christ said in John 15 that apart from him, we can DO NOTHING. Only as the Spirit moves in, among, and through his people will transformation come.  Only as we repent and believe the good news (over and over again) will God meet us in our brokenness and pour out his grace.  Only as we burn the idols of “success” in all their forms will we experience God’s kingdom come, and his will done on earth as it is in heaven.

These were the first five things that popped into my head when asked that question last week.  I would love to hear what you think.  Please take a moment to comment on this post and add your own perspective.