How to grieve the death of a vision...Part 2

In my last post I began telling the story of the rise, the fall, the rise, and the fall of a vision that God gave to Sandi and me when we were still high school sweethearts (to serve him as a couple and lead others to do the same).  This picture is from that era.  In it we are 17 and 15 years old.  (We plunked down $20 to have this old fashioned picture taken at Cedar Point in Ohio.  It hangs today in our living room as a testimony to God's faithfulness and our stubborn love for one other these past 30 years.)

As I was saying, we went for a long walk the other night and God opened my eyes to a few things that helped shift me out of angry despair into patient hope.

The decision to take this emergency walk (code for "time to argue away from the kids") came upon the heels of Sandi reading a 4 page letter from me that spelled out my struggle with this most recent setback.  (If you feel totally lost right now - be sure to read part 1...)

Sandi was angry and hurt by some of the things I had written, and she had every right to be.  I was brutally honest about my frustration, my heart break, and my deep disappointment (maybe too brutal in places).  Here is how I ended that letter:

God has given us a vision, and it goes back to our high school days.  When we moved to South Carolina I embraced a specific version of this vision – meaning that I began filling in the blanks of the “how” and the “when”.  How was this going to come about?  Our employment with 3DM and my relationship with the Missionary Church would give us the training, experience, and network to begin coaching and training leadership couples as our full time calling.  When would this take place?  Within 2 – 3 years.

I could see that vision so clearly – it was in brilliant HD and coming more to life each day.

And then, our jobs with 3DM ended and it was stabbed in the heart.  Two weeks ago you took a full time job, and it died.

Am I able to believe in this vision again?  Am I able to mourn the loss and reimagine – through the eyes of faith – God resurrecting this vision and fulfilling it in another way and at another time? 

That was an intense and lively conversation!  Through it, God brought 3 things into focus for me:

1. It's OK to grieve losses.  In fact, it's essential.
2. God's vision requires God's methods.
3. God's vision requires God's timing.

The insight God has given me about grieving is that I need to find constructive ways to vent my grief, anger, and disappointment.  My inspiration here is David.  God never seems to weary of his complaints, struggles, or highs and lows.  

Take Psalm 13:1 - 2 as a good example:

How long, Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Like David, I best express difficult and complex emotion through writing - and that's a good thing.  But here is the new learning: I don't need to share all of that with Sandi 5 minutes after I write it down.  In fact, it may be better if I bring some of this venting to a trusted male friend who will help me process and reshape it before inflicting it upon my wife.  The letter I wrote her the other day came 10 days after the initial journal entry, and went through several revisions.  It still made for a difficult conversation, but I did avoid blowing up the entire thing by dumping unfiltered emotion on her.  And that, my friend, we call progress.

The other insight about grief?  I tend to grieve losses much later than Sandi does.  She feels the loss immediately and begins the process right away.  I, on the other hand, get assertive early on to deal with the threat.  After doing whatever I can to mitigate the loss, I then experience a delayed grief.  Sometimes my grief comes so long after the actual loss that I fail to connect the dots initially.  This dynamic is both good and bad for us.  It is good because we are not both grieving at the same time.  It is bad because sometimes I lack empathy for Sandi's grief, and then she has to go through it all over again with me later.  

The other "aha" moment was this: God is not like me.  (Big surprise, right?)  All of us who have spent much time in Scripture are familiar with the basic idea that God's ways are different, higher, and better than our ways.  In fact, the Bible says that like the heavens are higher than the earth, so are God's ways higher than our ways.

We get this intellectually.

However, like Abraham and Sarah, we struggle to submit ourselves to God's methods and timing.  Instead of waiting patiently 25 years for God to give them a son of their own (Isaac), they take matters into their own hands and attempt to bring about God's promise through their best efforts and planning.  This never works.  God's will can only unfold in God's way and on God's timetable.  

It occurred to me recently that the vision I had for us moving to South Carolina was one possible version of the vision God had given us 30 years ago.  Just like the vision I had as a church planter was one possible version.  In both instances, I started filling in the "how" and the "when" variables with my own predictions and expectations.  Over time I became emotionally attached to these versions of the vision, and when they did not play out the way I anticipated, I felt totally abandoned by God.

The key?  Somehow we need to remain open to God's methods and timing, even when it seems so obvious to us what the BEST ways and whens actually are.  This requires a daily submission to God - a daily surrender to both his goodness and greatness.  Each day we die to our agenda and expectations, and give ourselves (including our visions) over to the Lord.  This is part of what Jesus meant when he said we are to take up our cross daily and follow him.  

So, how do you grieve the death of a vision?

1. Give yourself permission to grieve whenever and however you need to grieve.  It's OK, God can handle it.  (And, find mature and safe people to grieve with you - be careful not to make your grief a burden too heavy for others to carry.)
2. In one hand, hold tightly to the vision God has given you (double checking for alignment with his word and godly counsel), but in the other hand, hold loosely the hows and the whens.
3. Remind yourself often that the cornerstone of the Christian faith is the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  If God was able to raise Christ from the dead, he is certainly able to resurrect the vision he gave you.

How to grieve the death of a vision...Part 1

Sandi and I met at Bethesda Baptist Church (near Detroit) just before Christmas in 1981 (almost 33 years ago now, how is that even possible?)  I was 14 and she was 12.  A romance began the following spring that swept us both off our feet.  We saw each other at church and youth group every week.  We talked on the phone almost every day.

By the time I graduated high school in 1985 we viewed ourselves as leaders and shepherds for the other students in our youth ministry.  In fact, we believed that God had brought us together for that purpose.  A vision was birthed in our hearts that someday God would use us as a team to strengthen Christians and share the good news of Jesus with spiritual explorers in a compelling way.

Fast forward to 1989.  I graduated college in May and we were married on August 19th.  The following year we began investing in middle school and high school students.  For the next 8 years we served in youth ministry while Sandi finished college, I completed seminary, and we started a family.  These were incredibly fruitful years for us - we were actually experiencing the fulfillment of that youthful vision.

In 1998 we moved to a new town and planted a church.  More fruit.  More vision alignment.  Lots of people growing in their faith and meeting Jesus for the first time in a personal way.

And then, in 2002 it all came crashing down.  I experienced burn out as a pastor of this young church, and an extended period of depression followed.  Those were some very dark days for us.  The beautiful vision that had propelled us for over 15 years simply died, and we were hanging on for dear life.

We limped along for the next 5 years.  I started a painting business to pay the bills, Sandi went to work in technology sales, and we focused on survival.  We couldn't talk about ministry, or church, or anything that reminded us of the calling we thought God had placed on our lives as teenagers.  It was too painful.  Our grief was too profound.

But God, in time, brought healing.  Through counseling,  hundreds of miles walking through our neighborhood, and a few older mentors speaking into our lives, we began to believe again.  Maybe God wasn't through with us after all.  Maybe he still wanted to use us - just in a different way than we imagined.  Our faith and courage began to grow and deepen, and by the spring of 2013 we were ready to jump back into the deep end with both feet.  We packed up our family, said a very painful goodbye to our oldest daughter and my sick father, and moved to South Carolina to pursue an opportunity that we believed would get us back on track.

Our first year in Pawleys Island held so much promise that we purchased a home and began putting down roots.  This felt like a second chance for us, and we didn't want to miss it (in spite of the high price we were paying relationally and emotionally living over 800 miles from family).  As we began year two the ministry organization that we both worked for started to unravel, and soon we were both out of a job.

I went back to my long standing relationship with the Missionary Church, began coaching Christian leaders, and revived my painting business.  2 weeks ago Sandi took a full time job locally in sales.  And, while we feel incredibly grateful for God's provision, we are incredibly saddened by what feels like a second death of the vision.  Once again I am mostly on my own in ministry while Sandi works full time.  By the time dinner dishes are put away and we do our best to parent two teenagers and one college student, there isn't much time or energy left over.

• "What does this mean?"  
• "What are we going to do?"
• "Why did God bring us all the way down to South Carolina?"
• "Is it time to just accept reality and forget about the vision?"

These are the questions we have wrestled with in recent weeks.  And, I will be honest, I've had moments of deep despair.  There have been days I have doubted God's love and wisdom.  There have been days I have felt like such a fool for leading my family on this rabbit trail south to what appears to be a dead end.

But, last night Sandi and I took an hour long walk in the rain.  And, as we splashed through the muddy streets of Hagley, God opened my eyes to a few things.  These few things will be game changers for us.  And I will write about them very soon...

Gauging expectations for real life...lessons learned while duck hunting

This past Saturday was the youth opener for waterfowl in South Carolina.  So, at 4 a.m. the alarm sounded and I woke up our 15 year old son, Grant, and within 30 minutes we had our boat in the water.

Grant was excited.

I was very excited.

This was going to be a GREAT duck hunt, we were both really feeling it.

However, within 2 minutes we ran into our first setback.  "Dad, did you put the plug in?"
Oh no, we forgot to put the plug back into the boat!  (The plug is a helpful little device that allows you to drain water from the boat once on the trailer - but really needs to be in place before launching the boat unless you feel like swimming.)  So, we pulled the boat back out of the water and waited about 5 minutes as a few gallons of the intercoastal waterway gushed back to where it belonged.

OK, we were now in the boat, on the water, and no longer leaking.  That was progress!  We arrived at the spot where we wanted to hunt, but someone was already there.  We thought 4 a.m. was early enough - but it turns out that for the really good spots you need to get up even earlier.  Make mental note...

We find a new spot and put out the decoys, and in the process of doing all of that in the dark I left one of our anchor lines in the water and started the motor.  Uh oh, now we only have half of an anchor line!  (Mental note number three, make sure all lines are fully in boat before starting motor!)

So, needless to say, we ran into several difficulties that morning.  (And I didn't even mention losing my favorite hat and one of our brand new decoys...)  So, here is the question my wife asked me - "Did you have fun?"  Another way to phrase that same question, "was it a successful hunt?"

When it comes to feeling successful in hunting or any area of life, we have to first examine our expectations.  The truth is, we would have been in serious trouble if our expectations that morning were to:

1. Sleep in 
2. Make zero mistakes and encounter zero obstacles
3. Enjoy sunny, warm weather
4. Limit out on ducks in time to enjoy a hot breakfast

Grant and I expected to wake up extremely early, to hit a snag or two along the way (we are still novice duck hunters, after all), and shiver as we motored across the water at 4:30 a.m. in 35 degrees.  Although we had feelings of frustration at times, those feelings did not dominate our experience or ability to enjoy the hunt.  In fact, we were laughing about most of them later that day (I admit to still feeling a little frustrated about that stupid anchor line!)

So, was it a successful hunt?  I would say yes, because of the following expectations I had on the front end:

1. Safety on the water (coming back dry and in one piece)
2. Extended time with my son doing something we both enjoy
3. Appreciating the beauty of God's creation
4. Putting Grant in front of a few ducks and giving him an opportunity to shoot

Expectations are critical.  Not only do they determine whether or not we can enjoy life, they also guide us when aligned with our deepest values.  This morning I read Acts 14.  Paul had just been stoned and left for dead in Lystra, and upon returning to the church in Antioch he says; "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God."

Did you catch that?  Going through hardships should be something we expect as part of kingdom living.  Are we defined by those hardships?  No!  We find our identity as children of the king.  We HAVE TO go through hardships because we GET TO enter the kingdom of God.  The consistent teaching of the Bible is that enduring temporary hardships en route to all that God has for us (in this life and the one to come) is a very good and gracious trade off.  Jesus said succinctly, that only when we lose our lives do we find true life.

Why all of the hardships?  They come for several reason in my life:

1. I make mistakes, and sometimes just decide to sin even though I know better, and suffer the consequences
2. Other people make mistakes and sin, and it impacts my life
3. As Christians we live in a broken world that is not yet redeemed - we are not home yet and will struggle in our pilgrimage (Jesus said we would have trouble in this world, in fact, he said we would be persecuted and hated because of our faith in him)
4. God is training me to be more like Christ - inside and out - and that means I must continually repent and change.  Change is always painful.

These hardships are the turbulent air we pass through as we travel to our destination.  If seated, buckled, and expecting hardships we can ride them out with grace, and at times, with a little humor.  If walking down the aisle holding a cup of steaming hot coffee - acting as though we have already arrived in paradise - we are going to get burned, and so are the people around us.

The question I leave you with today: what informs your expectations for life in the kingdom?  How do you define "success"?  Are we taking what Jesus and Paul said seriously about the bumpy road ahead for all Christ followers, or have we internalized the values of a culture which holds out safety, comfort, happiness, and pain avoidance as the greatest good?

...by the way, because we have a gracious and loving Heavenly Father who delights in giving good gifts to his children, Grant did limit out on wood ducks within 10 minutes, and we did eat that hot breakfast!  But the beauty of it all is that it would have been a win for us either way.

What to do when your rhythms get shred to ribbons

I listened to Acts 8 this morning while eating breakfast (this is a new rhythm I am experimenting with - yesterday I listened to Acts 7 while lying in bed before my feet touched the floor - not sure about using the Bible as my snooze alarm though...).  Why am I experimenting with new rhythms for getting into God's word and prayer?  Simply put, our old rhythms have been shredded.

For most of this year Sandi and I got up in the morning, exercised a few days per week, had breakfast, helped get the kids off to school, and went to our jobs at 3DM by 8:30 where we spent 30 minutes in worship, the word, and prayer.  These were firmly established rhythms for us, and they worked.

However, we no longer work for 3DM and Sandi's new job starts at 8 a.m.  I think they call this the "real world".

So, what are we supposed to do when life throws us a curve?  How do we maintain healthy rhythms for abiding in Christ, times of solitude, exercise, praying together as a family, and building redemptive relationships with spiritual explorers when the bottom falls out of our routine?

Back to Acts 8.  We read in verse 2 that a great persecution broke out against the church after the stoning of Stephen and "all except the apostles were scattered throughout Judea and Samaria".  Talk about your routine getting interrupted!  These were the same believers we read about in Acts 2 who met "every day... in the temple courts" and who "broke bread in their homes."  They had a beautiful rhythms of temple courts (public space where they worshipped and taught God's word) and personal space (where they ate meals together and experienced deeper community in their homes).

These believers no longer lived in Jerusalem (no more temple courts) and were driven from their homes.  They had to find new ways to daily connect with God, one another, and people who had never heard of Christ in a brand new place.  How did they do it?

Luke doesn't give us many details on that question, but he does offer a key insight in verse 4: "Those who had been scattered preached the word wherever they went."

In spite of the suffering, the hardship, the loss, and the destruction of the life they knew in Jerusalem, these disciples saw themselves as God's sent people, period.  Their new rhythms for UP/IN/OUT flowed from their identity as God's beloved and sent children.  The "what" of daily rhythms grew anew from the soil of "who" they were in Christ and what he was asking them to do.  Namely, to go and make disciples.

So, far Sandi and me right now, the important questions revolve around our identity in Christ, and his over arching calling upon our lives.  From there we will pray for wisdom as we establish new rhythms that are:

1. In alignment with our identity and calling
2. Sustainable
3. Scalable (we start small and simple)
4. Integrated (they flow with the current of our lives and calling and don't feel forced)

Another way of saying all of that?  We follow the grace of God that always goes before us and prepares a way.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Investing in the things that will outlive us

Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death.  My dad, Marvin Blaylock, slipped away from us at 9:55 a.m. on November 6th, 2013.  My mom, my brother, and I were all standing around his bed at home when he passed.  I was holding his hand.  I was the one to close his eyes.  It was one of the hardest days of my life.  And, it was the closest I have ever felt to my brother and  mom...

These two photos are part of a collage that hangs in our kitchen.  Our son, Grant, is pictured with my dad in both of them.  My dad loved all of his grandchildren, but there was a special connection he shared with Grant.

Grant and I were driving to Charleston last week, and as my thoughts turned to dad I asked him, "what are some of your best memories of Grandpa?"  Grant mentioned three things:

1. Pounding nails with him in the garage when I was little
2. The knives he gave me
3. Deer hunting with him

Of all the days and hours Grant spent with his Grandpa, those were the first three memories to come to his mind.  Those memories, those skills learned, the knives, the shotgun, and the tools handed down to Grant are now part of dad's legacy that will live on.  And, they are very much alive in Grant's mind and heart today.  My guess is he will pass them down to his children someday as well...

Everyone leaves a legacy.  Everyone will pass down certain memories and experiences that will outlive them and shape the lives of people not yet born.

When someone stands over you and me to close our eyes for that final time on this earth - what will we leave behind?

I am so grateful today that my dad invested so many good things into my life and the lives of our kids.  Thank you dad - I love you and I really miss you today.  You were a good man.

Important clues from Acts 1 on how to make disciples like Jesus

I began reading the book of Acts again this morning for the umteenth time.  Like many people, I am drawn to Luke's account of the birth and baby steps of the church Christ promised to build upon Peter's confession of faith in Matthew 16.  I love the shock and awe, of course (flaming tongues, angelic jail breaks, well timed earthquakes, people literally dying after falling asleep in church - and then being raised back to life...)  Every student of the Bible comes to the same conclusion at some point: truth really is stranger than fiction!

But the deeper reason I keep coming back to Acts is simply this: I long to see how the kingdom of God works in the life of real people, like me.  

Here's what jumped out at me today as I read Luke's summary of Christ's life in the first few verses of chapter one:

1. He wrote about what Jesus began to do and to teach until the day he was taken up to heaven
2. Jesus gave instructions through the Holy Spirit to the apostles he had chosen
3. Jesus suffered
4. After his suffering, he presented himself alive to his apostles

Luke goes on to write about the Holy Spirit and Jesus' re-commissioning of his disciples, but that will have to wait for another day.  For now, let's think about Luke's introductory remarks.

Show and Tell

Luke refers back to the biography he wrote (we call it the Gospel of St. Luke!) and condenses it to these few words, "I wrote about what Jesus began to do and to teach".

So, Jesus DID some stuff, and he TAUGHT some stuff.  Let that just sink in for a moment...Jesus took action and lived an UP/IN/OUT in front of people, and then he taught them the true nature of God and his kingdom.

I don't know about you, but in my attempts to imitate Jesus (especially while pastoring a church) I eventually defaulted to "teach stuff, and then teach MORE stuff".  Ouch.

Jesus had a plan

Whenever Sandi and I leave town for a few days, she writes out a detailed list of instructions for the kids and whoever is staying with them.  These instructions always include schedules, meal planning, and specific things they need to get done before we come back.  My wife has a plan, and she knows how to communicate that plan to our kids and those we entrust to lead them and care for them while we are gone.  And, by the way, we are coming back and we really do expect our instructions to be followed...

So, Jesus gave instructions to his apostles because he had a plan.  Do we have a plan?

Dallas Willard said the two most important questions Christian leaders need to ask are:

1. What is your plan for making disciples?
2. Is it working?

Taking up your cross

Luke mentions the suffering of Jesus.  The plain facts are that he suffered in Jerusalem and died naked and alone on a Roman cross.

The call to follow Jesus is a call to die.  As we grow into his character and competencies, there are many deaths that must happen along the way.  Right now God is calling Sandi and me to die to a dream of serving together vocationally in ministry.  Sandi begins a new, full time job next week.  And, while we are grateful for the financial provision, we are mourning the death of a dream to coach and train leaders - and especially couples - together.

Dying doesn't feel good.

No death?  No resurrection.

"After his suffering, he presented himself ALIVE..."  The call to follow Jesus is not only a call to die, but also a call to experience the resurrected life of Christ.  The simple truth?  There is no resurrection apart from death.

Sandi and I are believing that what God asks us to die to today, he will resurrect in the future.  Of course, it may not happen in three days!  God will take the grain of wheat that falls into the ground and dies, and in his own timing infuse it with the very life of Christ and push it up from the soil.

What are you dying to today?  Is your faith in our God of resurrection stronger than your fear of letting go of it?