The man in the mirror...it all starts here (Part 3)

My last post told the story of how I began to more successfully navigating some rough patches in college once I came to know myself better. While studying in England I finally took a good, long look in the mirror and got honest about what I saw. And that moment of truth, that willingness to humble myself and admit some of my mistakes and shortcomings, was the turning point on many levels.

You may think that knowing yourself to lead yourself is only an issue for young people. It stands to reason that after someone becomes a functioning adult they can move on to bigger and better things! Right? However, my experience as a leadership coach over the past 15 years has convinced me that people of all ages and from all walks of life continue to undermine themselves due to a lack of self-awareness. To put it another way, they don't lead themselves well because they don't understand what really makes them tick. If we remain in the dark about what gives us energy, how we best learn, how we can make good decisions, and how we naturally desire to organize our lives, we stay disconnected from ourselves. And, if we don't connect well with those things inside of us that truly make us who we are then we will struggle to connect deeply with other people, also.

What are those things for a Christian leader?

• Identity (who you believe yourself to be at your core)
• Nurture (the role models, upbringing, and defining experiences that comprise the "oughts" and "shoulds" of your inner voice; I use the Life Map tool for this - email me for the .pdf)
• Personality (my two favorite assessments to reveal personality are the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the 5 Voices)
• Personal choice (our decisions have shaped us and different decisions will create a different future)
• EQ or Emotional Intelligence (personal and social competence)
• Spiritual gifts (Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12)
• APEST (Ephesians 4)

Let's tackle APEST now and look at personality next time in the final installment of this mini-series.

I was first introduced to APEST around 2002. Actually, I learned about APEST the first time I read the book of Ephesians, but I just didn't know it! APEST is taken from Ephesians 4:11 - 13:

So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Paul identifies 5 distinct offices Christ has given his church (note: these offices are related to spiritual gifts, but I do not believe they are the same thing as spiritual gifts). They are in order:

1. Apostles
2. Prophets
3. Evangelists
4. Shepherds (or pastors)
5. Teachers

The purpose for these offices is very clear. Christ gave them to the church "to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up..."

In The Forgotten Ways Alan Hirsch defines and explores APEST and why it's so vital for Christian leaders to understand at a deep level. Here are his brief definitions for each:

APOSTLES extend the gospel. As the “sent ones,” they ensure that the faith is transmitted from one context to another and from one generation to the next. They are always thinking about the future, bridging barriers, establishing the church in new contexts, developing leaders, networking trans-locally. Yes, if you focus solely on initiating new ideas and rapid expansion, you can leave people and organizations wounded. The shepherding and teaching functions are needed to ensure people are cared for rather than simply used.

PROPHETS know God's will. They are particularly attuned to God and his truth for today. They bring correction and challenge the dominant assumptions we inherit from the culture. They insist that the community obey what God has commanded. They question the status quo. Without the other types of leaders in place, prophets can become belligerent activists or, paradoxically, disengage from the imperfection of reality and become other-worldly.

EVANGELISTS recruit. These infectious communicators of the gospel message recruit others to the cause. They call for a personal response to God's redemption in Christ, and also draw believers to engage the wider mission, growing the church. Evangelists can be so focused on reaching those outside the church that maturing and strengthening those inside is neglected.

SHEPHERDS nurture and protect. Caregivers of the community, they focus on the protection and spiritual maturity of God's flock, cultivating a loving and spiritually mature network of relationships, making and developing disciples. Shepherds can value stability to the detriment of the mission. They may also foster an unhealthy dependence between the church and themselves.

TEACHERS understand and explain. Communicators of God's truth and wisdom, they help others remain biblically grounded to better discern God's will, guiding others toward wisdom, helping the community remain faithful to Christ's word, and constructing a transferable doctrine. Without the input of the other functions, teachers can fall into dogmatism or dry intellectualism. They may fail to see the personal or missional aspects of the church's ministry.

OK, so how does knowing your APEST help you to lead yourself more effectively?  Allow me to illustrate from a live situation I find myself in at the moment.  

In early 2017 I shifted my focus from strictly the non-profit arena and joined a consulting organization that focused on leadership development in the corporate space.  It seemed like a good fit, but it has not developed in the way I had hoped.  So, this summer it became apparent that I needed to seek out a different opportunity.

Several options emerged ranging from staff roles in local churches, denominational positions, and a leadership role with a church planting organization.

As Sandi and I prayed about these opportunities we ran each through the grid of my APEST.  As you may have guessed, I am strongly apostolic.  Hirsch explains that apostles are big picture, future oriented, spiritual entrepreneurs and strategists.  So, how does knowing this about myself help me navigate my current reality?  

In each instance we asked the question, "Does this opportunity allow me to function primarily as an apostle?"  An apostle can function well at the local church, denomination, or network levels.  But to determine apostolic fit I specifically asked:

1. Is this a future oriented role, or more maintenance?
2. Will I have gifted people to oversee the operational and micro details so that I can keep an eye on big picture goals?
3. Will there be sufficient latitude to pivot toward emerging opportunities and take new territory?

APEST will help you understand how you primarily function as a Christian leader - how you can bring your best.  When you better align yourself with the insights you learn from your APEST you will notice more grace flowing, more fruit, less stress, and more energy.  Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

Knowing my APEST has been an incredible tool as we have evaluated the various options and has helped us move forward with confidence toward those that fit best.

Next time we will delve into the world of personality - which you may notice often syncs up with your APEST.

***If you would like to talk about walking through a guided EQ Intensive, which covers APEST, personality, Life Mapping, and more, be sure to let me know.***

The man in the mirror...it all starts here (Part 2)

In my last post we began examining a rather thorny leadership Catch-22: If we don't know ourselves well we can't lead ourselves effectively, and once that happens our influence begins to diminish.  Simple enough you might say.  But here's the problem; the tendencies that undermine our influence the most are like broccoli in our teeth - everyone else can see them except us.

In other words, most of us lack the self-awareness required to see the broccoli and do something constructive about removing it.  We simply don't know what it's like to be on the other side of us. I illustrated this problem by telling the story of my unhappy first two years of college and how I finally took a good look in the mirror while studying abroad in England and took action.

What did I finally figure out as a 20-year old that eluded me for over 2 years?  Well, a few things actually:

When it's everyone, it's you.  I was attending my fourth college in 4 consecutive semesters.  (Yes, you read that correctly.)  And, I was still very unhappy.  About a month into my time in England the realization dawned upon me (by God's grace) that if I am still discontent in spite of all the changes I had made, maybe the problem is with me.  Bingo!  I was finally ready to learn something.

A mirror is required.  Without objective feedback I was doomed to keep repeating the same patterns that were undermining my contentment and influence.  I needed a fresh perspective.  I needed to see things as they really were.  I somehow needed to move beyond blame shifting and the critical spirit that was masking a deep insecurity.  And for me, this came through spiritual renewal as I simply cried out to God in brokenness, humility, and a growing sense of desperation.  I had nowhere else to go.  As I began spending a lot of time reading my Bible, talking with him about everything, and journalling (which was key) I heard his voice.  God said to me: "You are my son.  I love you.  I am already pleased with you."

That was the turning point.  God was already pleased with me!  In spite of the mess I had made of my life in college God loved me just as I was.  It was like hearing the Gospel again for the fist time.  And through that good news I caught a glimpse of who I was in Christ - accepted and loved.  And so, the Gospel became a lens I looked through to see the real me.  With my new identity in view I was then able to look into the mirror of my current reality and own up to all of my short comings without fear of condemnation.  I was set free.

Grace received emboldens us to accept the truth.  What prevents us from looking in the mirror of our current reality and owning our stuff?  Fear.  Self-preservation.  Shame. "What if I'm not good enough?  What if I don't have what it takes?  What if no one will love the real me?"  These questions haunt us, bully us into submission, and keep our true identities at bay and in the shadows.  Such was my experience.

It was a hopeless situation apart from God's grace, which meant my situation was hopeful! Because God's grace had already reached me, even before I boarded that plane for London.  Two months prior Sandi and I began dating again after an 18-month separation.  And if Sandi Burgess - the girl I fell in love with as a freshman in high school, the person who personified for me the best and highest of Christian virtue, the beautiful young woman who still loved me after all we'd been through - if she saw value and potential in me then I could, too.  God's grace flows through relationships.  Through my relationship with Sandi I found the courage to face the doubts that haunted me with more faith than fear.  And just when I needed it most, God confirmed that grace through my new friends in London.  Andy, Duncan, Anna and Sue were fresh expressions of God's grace pouring encouragement and confidence into my soul.

John 1 tells us that Jesus came "full of grace and truth".  By engaging with the grace of God we come to understand at the deepest level that we are loved and accepted unconditionally because of Christ.  Romans 5:8 shouts "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  By engaging with the truth of God we come to understand that he loves us too much to leave us where he found us.  His purpose is to transform our character and actions (inside and out) into the very image of Christ - the perfect one.  This comes through a process (painful at times) of repentance, faith, abiding, mentoring, and community.  As this process (also known as sanctification) takes shape in our lives and relationships we discover that we are no longer the same person living for the same things.  We become, in every respect, a new creation.

So, that is how looking in the mirror (infused with God's grace and truth) played out for me 31 years ago.  But what about now?  At 51 I find myself at another crossroads.  The kids are all off to college, after leaving my ministry role in Michigan 5 years ago I have been on a professional roller coaster, and I am in a wrestling match with God over my calling as it relates to the local church.  Once again I need to hear his voice, look in the mirror, and walk toward the best expression of my true identity.

In my next post I will explain how learning about your APEST and personality wiring can help you connect the dots for vocational and ministry calling.  Whether you're in college trying to figure it out for the first time, or you are an empty nester trying to figure it out for the next season, the same principle holds: if you know yourself, you can lead yourself.

If you want to get a jump on connecting the dots right away, I highly recommend reading 5 Voices by Jeremie Kubicek and Steve Cockram.

The man in the mirror...it all starts here (Part 1)

Back in 1987 Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" topped the Billboard Top 100 for two weeks in a row.  It was a smash hit with some of the most meaningful lyrics ever to grace a pop song:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

1987 was also the year my wife graduated from high school (sorry to out you Sandi, but yes, that was 31 years ago!).  I was a junior in college studying abroad in England that same year - and as I look back on my time in London I realize now why it was such a transformative experience; I finally began to really look in the mirror.

My first two years of college were a big disappointment.  I didn't like the school, so I transferred (twice!).  I didn't like my major so I changed it 2 or 3 times.  I didn't like being in a committed relationship, so I broke up with Sandi (for 18 months).  I became an expert at looking at the people and circumstances around me with a critical eye.  The Christian college I attended was "full of hypocrites".  A long distance relationship made me feel "suffocated".  A ministry degree felt so narrow, so "limiting".  So, I bounced around feeling more miserable with each new turn.

So, I ended up in London, a city of over 6 million people in 1987 (now over 8 million).  I unpacked my bags, looked around, and realized that I didn't know a soul.  I have never felt such deep loneliness.  I had no one, so I spent a lot of time with myself.   What began as homesickness and depression turned a corner for me after about 3 weeks.  I can't put my finger on it exactly, but the day came when I took a good look in the mirror.  I didn't like the person I had become in college.  Everything had turned inward, it was all about me and what I wanted.  And I was finally ready to face it.

Realizing I was in over my head I simply came to God and asked for help.  Humbled, I reconnected with God at a heart level once again.  And, it felt like something inside of me clicked.  Hope was stirred.  Change felt possible.

If I could just start with me, taking ownership for my life, my choices, and my feelings, then I could change my reality.  There were tendencies undermining my contentment, my relationships, and my studies.  And, like broccoli in your teeth, everyone can clearly see those tendencies except you (but you are the only one who can remove the broccoli).

At the ripe age of 20 I was determined to make a change for the better - but how exactly does that work?

Here's a visual tool called "Know Yourself to Lead Yourself" I have been using just about every day in my new role as Senior Consultant for GiANT Worldwide:

We all have tendencies that are baked in to our personalities.  Like our fingerprints we were born with them and they aren't going to change much over our lifetime.  These tendencies shape how we make decisions, how we get energy, how we learn, and how we interact with the world.  However, like a fish unaware of the very water it swims through, most of us are unaware of these inborn tendencies.

In other words, we don't realize what it's like to be on the other side of us.

These tendencies result in patterns that drive our actions (and reactions).  Those actions have consequences, both good and bad.  And, those consequences strongly influence our reality.

So, if you want to change your reality for the better, where do you begin?  Since you can't change your tendencies you must begin with your actions.  If you choose to speak, act, and think differently you will change the consequences and your reality.  Easier said than done!

Here's the secret: if you can understand the WHY beneath your tendencies you have a better chance of figuring out the HOW to changing your actions.  

My next two posts will walk through the steps I took to do just that, both as a 20 year old struggling to find his way in England and as a 51 year old struggling to find his way in marriage, parenting, ministry, and career.

If you want to make the world a better place, first take a look at yourself.  Turns out Mike was right.

Here's a great (free) resource for your journey of knowing yourself to lead yourself.  Enjoy!