Marriage Matrix...a work in progress - Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about some big picture stuff that Sandi and I have learned (at times, the hard way) over 25 years of marriage.  As I reflected on all of this last week, I drew a couple of pictures attempting to capture the key dynamics.  (Expressing ideas through simple images or icons has become a way of life for me in recent years...one of the ways I have been blessed by my friends at 3DM.)

The drawing above is a blown up section of the same image I posted yesterday.  I added the heart shape to remind myself about what is most important in our marriage; the covenant reality of two becoming one.  The Bible says, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one flesh." - Genesis 2:24

This is one of the few instances where I like the King James Version of the Bible better, because it includes the wording "leave...and cleave".  So, the process looks like this:

1. I leave my father and mother
2. I cleave to my wife
3. We become one flesh

That will preach!  Just sayin'...

From my vantage point, here are the three dynamics that became the super glue for Sandi and me (the heart in the drawing):

• Predictable patterns of UP/IN/OUT
• Shared ownership
• Emotional and physical intimacy

I have already talked about predictable patterns in previous posts, so let's move on to shared ownership.  What do we share ownership of?  WE ARE CO-OWNERS AND FULL PARTNERS IN OUR MARRIAGE, OUR FAMILY, AND THE KINGDOM ASSIGNMENT GOD HAS GIVEN US.

These three pursuits require us both to be "ALL IN".  We sink or we swim together - and as we do they become the magnetic field that pulls us toward one another and toward Christ.

Intimacy comes through the emotional bonds we establish and nourish through our friendship and partnership in all of life, and through a healthy and loving sexual relationship.  (Don't worry, I am not going to go all "Dr. Ruth" on you!)

The key learning?  Sandi's need for intimacy is primarily met through emotional connection, which gives her the energy and desire for physical intimacy.  I, like many men, am just the opposite.  And this dynamic can become a tug-of-war that leaves both of us feeling disconnected and un-loved, or a beautiful picture of grace in motion as we submit and serve one another.  (Remember, marriage is a metaphor for the relationship of Christ and his church in the New Testament.)

Like a strong muscle, marriage also requires consistent effort.  Here are the ways we WORK HARD to keep connected (see the ropes that span the picture - those are the relational tethers):

1. We empower and free one another up for greater success in work and ministry
2. We learn to speak one another's love languages
3. We find ways to have fun together - and invest the time and money to make it happen

Did I mention we are going on a cruise in a few weeks?  Now that will be fun!

Marriage Matrix...a work in progress - Part 1

Last August Sandi and I celebrated 25 years of marriage.  In three weeks we plan to bask in the Caribbean sunshine aboard a cruise ship celebrating this milestone.

Last Friday I took her to dinner at a sports bar.  We ate burgers and mixed vegetables (my version of a balanced diet) and then split a dessert (half the calories!).  The topic of conversation?  The scribbled image you see above.

Before I delve into my attempt to sketch out something really important, let me give you a sweeping overview of our life together since August 19, 1989.

"I love you.  You love me.  We are PERFECT for each other!  All we need is LOVE!"  

August 19, 1989 - August 27, 1989

***Yes, the exact length of our honeymoon***

"I love you.  You love me.  We make a good team!"

August 28, 1989 - December 17, 1994

***Sandi completed college***

***I started grad school***

***I served as a youth pastor and Sandi was my right hand***

"I love you.  You love me.  Isn't it your turn to change the diaper?"

December 18, 1994 - April 14, 1999

***Megan and Emily were born***

***Sandi quit her job - we live on a youth pastor's income***

***Lots of challenges - Lots of joy - Little money***

"I need you.  You need me.  Whose idea was it to plant this church?"

April 15, 1999 - June 20, 2002

***We plant a church from scratch in a new town***

***Grant is born one month after our first Sunday service***

***We feel overwhelmed - I experience burn out***

"Who are you?  What happened to the person I married?"

June 21, 2002 - September 1, 2009

***Many dark days***

***We never consider divorce (just homicide)***

***It feels like the dream has died***

"A good marriage is costly.  Let's make the investment!"

September 2, 2009 - August 14, 2013

***Healing, Hope, and Trust emerge***

***Renewed, resurrected vision comes into focus***

"You are my pearl of great price.  Time to lay it all on the line."

August 15, 2013 - Today

***I resign my position***

***We move to South Carolina***

***Rediscovery, Re-engagement, Reset***

All of that brings us to today and that odd picture!  Here are 3 take-aways:

1. We submit first to God, then one another
2. A good marriage is like a strong muscle...it requires nourishment and exercise
3. We bless and serve in those areas we are different

The Triangle (see "Building a Discipling Culture" by Mike Breen)

The foundation for our marriage (and certainly this new season of growth) is our mutual ownership of UP/IN/OUT as our highest priorities.

• UP - We love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength
• IN - We love our Christian neighbor as we love ourselves
• OUT - We love the spiritual explorer, also our neighbor, as we love ourselves

In our individual pursuits we have found one another and have linked arms and hearts.  In our love for one another we have submitted our preferences for what blesses our relationship.  In our longing to embrace all that God has for us, we have forfeited our insistence on being "right".

Support tethers that connect us...

The turn around for us began about 6 years ago when we stumbled upon a discovery; we could talk about anything on a walk.  So, we began walking our dog just about every night after dinner.  We walked in the heat, through clouds of mosquitos, in the rain, in the dark, and shivering in the cold and snow.  Walking became a way to exercise not just our bodies, but our flabby communication muscles.  So, we just made a commitment to walk.  We talked about forgiveness, we fought, we cried, we struggled - but we didn't give up.  The things we were able to work through on those walks did more to transform our marriage than anything else.  But it took time and effort.  It required discipline.

Out arrows representing our individual pursuits...

The truth is that Sandi and I are very different from each other in a lot of ways.  She is an extrovert, I am more of an introvert.  She recharges emotionally around other people, I recharge in solitude.  She is an external processor, I am an internal processor.  She loves sappy, romantic comedies, I love gritty science fiction flicks.  I love to hunt and fish, she loves to hunt at the mall.  And on it goes!

We took a personality assessment once for married couples.  The first response that was emailed back to us?  Seek professional counseling.  I am not exaggerating!  

Instead of trying to convince one another to think and feel the way we do about these differences, we are learning what it means to bless and serve.  Sandi is an external processor, so I am learning to listen and engage in conversation without trying to fix anything (so hard for me!).  I am in internal processor, so she is learning to give me space and not demand to talk something out if I am not ready. 

In fact, she says she wants to come duck hunting with me soon!  She will bring a book (something nice and sappy) and I will shoot ducks.  It's going to be awesome!  The catch?  She HAS to wear camo!  (Yes, I will post those pictures...)

The biggest thing I have learned about Sandi's differences?  I am so out of balance with some of my strengths that I need her more than I ever imagined!  She has become my ballast...she keeps me afloat in heavy seas (and hopefully I do the same for her).  

But, what do I mean by "One Life"?  That will be for next time.

Boundaries and burdens - knowing when and how to say "NO" in love

In my last post I broached the subject of "burdens" and "loads" from Galatians 6. Burdens are meant to be shared with other people (think boulder) and loads are meant to be carried personally (think backpack).  Yesterday this question was asked on my FaceBook page:  "Good article, Tom.  But how do you differentiate the two?"

Of course, this is THE question!  Thank you for asking Billy!

Let me quote twice from "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend in response:

"Boundaries define us.  They define what is me and what is not me.  A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership."  (Page 29)

For starters, a load is something that is mine, that I alone own.  A burden is something that is also mine, but not something I have sole ownership over.  Think of a fence encircling what we must own, and within that fence are our loads (things like the words that come out of my mouth, my attitudes and beliefs, my behaviors, my choices, and my thoughts).

When it comes to burdens, imagine a larger area that is also enclosed by a fence.  Within this larger space we can see the first fenced area containing and defining my loads.  The difference?  This larger space that establishes the boundary around my burdens has a fence with several gates.  Why the gates?  Because, when it comes to burdens I need to open the gate from the inside and invite others into my life to help carry the weight of the burden.  And they need to do the same with me.

Here is a longer quote:

"We are responsible to others and for ourselves.  "Carry each other's burdens," says Galatians 6:2, "and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ."  This verse shows our responsibility to one another.

Many times others have "burdens" that are too big to bear.  They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help.  Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ.  This is what Christ did for us.  He did what we could not do for ourselves; he saved us.  This is being responsible "to".

On the other hand, verse 5 says that "each one should carry his own load."  Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry.  These things are our own particular "load" that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out.  No one can do certain things for us.  We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own "load".

...These loads are like knapsacks.  Knapsacks are possible to carry.  We are expected to carry our own.  We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it takes effort.

Problems arise when people act as if their "boulders" are daily loads, and refuse help, or as if their "daily loads" are boulders they shouldn't have to carry.  The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility."  (Page 31)

So, I must be responsible for my own loads, but to others as I help carry their burdens.

How does this play out in real life?  One of the burdens our kids had when they were young was waking up in the morning to get dressed, eat breakfast, and arrive to school on time.  When they were in elementary school we would go into their rooms each morning and wake them up.  (We had one that woke up with a smile, one that just couldn't wake up, and another that woke up breathing fire!)  These were shared burdens because most 8 year olds lack the ability to set an alarm clock and wake themselves in the morning.  They needed our help - so we gave it to them.

By the time our kids entered high school this burden shifted to a load.  They now had the ability to set an alarm and get up on time, and we had to shift our parenting style.  There was a period of time when they still wanted to treat their load as our burden, and we had to say "no" to that.  We also had many mornings when we were making multiple trips to school because one of them failed to get up on time to catch the bus.  This became a power struggle and made morning quite stressful.

The solution?  We needed to give our children full ownership of waking up and getting to school on time, and NOT rescue them when they failed to do do.  Here is what this meant for us:

1. We will not come into your room to wake you up - but we will provide you with an alarm clock and teach you how to use it.
2. We encourage you to eat a healthy breakfast, and will provide good choices for you each morning.  It is your responsibility to give yourself enough time to eat breakfast and clean up your dishes before leaving for school.
3. If you oversleep and need us to drive you to school you may ask us.  If we are available we will do it - but it will cost you $3 for fuel and our time.
4. If you oversleep and miss class you will deal with whatever consequences may come.  We will not make excuses for you if contacted by the school.

This may sound a bit harsh to some of you (it certainly did to our kids at first) but when done in love and genuine concern for what we believed was best for our children it made all the difference.  Saying "no" while communicating love and support is a skill that will require some practice, but definitely one worth learning.

Carrying loads and sharing burdens...taking ownership of what is really mine

I recently had breakfast with a friend.  As we were enjoying our bacon and eggs the conversation turned to a passage of scripture in Galatians 6 that I had been thinking a lot about in recent days.  Here is the passage:

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.  But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.  Each one should test their own actions.  Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load."  ~ Galatians 6:1 - 5

I was reminded of a great book I read years ago called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.  They defined "burden" and "load" as:

• Burden - A challenge in your life that is too heavy to carry alone.  In fact, it is God's will that believers help carry one another's burdens.  It is like a boulder that no one should attempt to pick up by themselves.
• Load - A challenge or responsibility that God has given to me, and that I am suppose to carry myself.  In the original language "load" referred to the small packs soldiers wore on their backs as they marched.

(If you want more from Dr. Henry Cloud on this check out http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries/burden-boulder/)

In a perfect world each of us carries our own loads, and we all help one another carry burdens.  This is Christian community at its finest (such as we see in the early chapters of Acts).  But, we don't live in that perfect world (not yet, anyways) and we need to learn how to live successfully in this current reality we call life.  And that means, of course, we get it wrong often.

Here is the most common way I have gotten this wrong over the years, and some steps I am taking to get it right.  Consider the following progression:

1. Mistaking people's loads for burdens
2. Encouraging dependency upon me instead of Christ
3. Resentment and being resented 
4. Failing to carry my own load
5. Repeating the cycle

I begin to veer off course when I think of the load someone is struggling to carry as a burden that I am suppose to help shoulder.  Why do I so often misjudge these situations?

• I want to be the hero - I want to swoop in and save the day!
• I want to feel important.  If I can meet this need for them, they will look to me in the future.
• I want to prove my competencies.  If I can solve this problem for you, then I will feel better about myself.

Initially this all seems fine and good.  Someone had a need, I helped to meet the need. Everybody is happy, right?  In fact, no, everyone is only happy for a short time, but then more serious problems develop...

One big problem?  The other person now looks to me.  They want me to continue helping them with their load - they may even ask me to carry other loads that I didn't even know about.  This would be OK if it was a burden, but because this is a load God wants them to learn to carry on their own I find myself at cross purposes with God.  When I am working against what God wants I do so in my own flesh - there is no grace given for this.

Now I am in a situation where they expect me to keep coming through for them, but I am quickly running out of energy.  This is a time bomb that will explode sooner or later...

Inevitably the day comes when I let them down.  I just can't keep carrying their load anymore.  At this juncture I am feeling tired and frustrated.  "Why do they expect so much from me?"  I feel taken for granted, I feel used, and eventually I resent them for it.  

How are they feeling?  Incredibly disappointed, hurt, and probably angry.  I had implicitly made promises to them that I failed to keep.  The irony?  Those who loved me most and sung my praises with such vigor are now the very people that resent me and speak ill of me.  Ouch.

The next step in this downward spiral?  Now I feel hurt.  "How could they treat me this way after all I did for them?"  "How could they be so ungrateful?"  What is wrong with these people?  This church?  This marriage?

As I get sucked into the vortex I lose the energy and desire to carry my own loads.  I begin struggling to connect with God on a daily basis.  I don't feel like exercising or engaging my children.  I get irritable with my wife and start feeling sorry for myself.  Before long I begin treating my own loads like burdens, and wonder why I have no one to help me...

The final stage?  I severe the relationships (they are too painful) and move on to a new setting.  Initially it feels so good to leave all of those immature, whining, and needy people behind.  Good riddance! The problem?  I soon begin repeating the cycle with these new relationships.

3 ways God is teaching me to grow up

1. Don't fix, model.  Instead of trying to fix what is wrong in people's lives, focus on modeling for them a life worth imitating.  This means carrying my own loads and asking for help with burdens.
2. Point to Jesus.  When I disciple someone I am saying "follow me as I follow Christ".  God is the only one who can meet your deepest needs.  He is the living water and the bread from heaven.  Learn from me how to connect every day with the source of life.
3. Say "no".  There are people out there who will gladly ask you to carry every load they own.  They have never been challenged or equipped to pull their own weight.  If I really love them I will say "no" when asked to carry their loads - and if they are teachable, I will share what I have learned along the way.

What it really means to pull the curtain back on our brokenness - Part 2

In my last post I told the story of how God brought me to the place where I was desperate enough for breakthrough (for my own life and for those I cared about) that I was willing to confront, confess, and repent of my brokenness.

This selfie shows some of the joy that has come into our lives since that day (I will explain why we bought a boat later).

The Confrontation

Driving home from that church plant in May of 2013 I had one recurring, gut level, visceral reaction - "never again".  Something inside of me broke that morning - something that had been under tension for years finally snapped.  And, here's the best way I can describe it:

Pursuing kingdom advancement (such as church planting) that is not built upon a firm foundation of covenant faithfulness (life on life relationships that spur us toward Christlikeness) is like running through a mine field at full speed..uphill...at night...alone.

After 15 years I had seen enough carnage...there had to be a better way.  I was done with it.

Another way to say it?

Engaging the OUT ("to seek and save the lost" - Luke 15) without a deepening and healthy IN (investing in Christians who have a hunger to grow in the character and competencies of Christ) results in short term gains but long term losses.

The time had come for me to look these truths in the eye.  And the truth was I was perpetuating a system that produced kingdom advancement at an unsustainable pace.  It was one step forward, but two steps backwards far too often.  The horse was dead.  It was time to dismount.

The Confession

There were two people I had to speak with about this...this shift, this awakening.  The first was Sandi, and the second was long time mentor, friend, and boss, Jim Keller.  Here is what I needed to confess:

1. In my attempts to do ministry for God by planting churches, I had neglected to establish the necessary rhythms at home to disciple my own family well.
2. Sandi and I needed a reset in our marriage and ministry.  We had somehow strayed from the integrated life we had experienced during the first 10 years...we needed to reclaim that ground.  And I needed to lead.
3. I no longer believed in the methods I was employing as a church planting leader.  It was the end of the line...time to learn a new way.

The Change

To repent means to change your mind, to turn around.  My repentance involved two huge changes:

1. I resigned my position as Church Planting Director
2. I led my family to South Carolina to serve an unpaid apprenticeship with 3DM - a crucial step in the reset Sandi and I needed, and an opportunity to learn a new way to disciple my family and the leaders God had called me to serve.

So, why the picture of our family speeding down the Waccamaw River on our newly purchased, very used boat?  When I see that picture it reminds me of the new rhythms we have established since moving south, rhythms that have brought us closer as a family, rhythms that have brought laughter and blessing.

• UP Rhythm - Every Tuesday night we have dinner together, read a chapter of the Bible, talk about it, and pray for one another.  Also, the past two months Sandi and I have been praying together just about every day.
• IN Rhythm - Every Thursday night we invite a family over for dinner.  We pray that God will lead us to people he wants us investing in.  And when we see his grace, we follow it.  That's it.
• OUT Rhythm - We walk our neighborhood a couple of times each week, and once a month we invite people to our home for brunch on a Saturday morning.  Again, we ask God to show us who the people of peace are, and we follow the grace.
• Every Sunday morning our family enjoys a big breakfast. No agenda - we just enjoy good food and one another.

As we have pulled together around these four rhythms something else began happening - we just started enjoying being together more.  Sandi and I began looking for ways we could start having more fun as a family, thus the boat.  

So, pulling the curtain back and bringing my brokenness into the light actually was the prelude to breakthrough.  Instead of shame and condemnation, I have found grace and a new voice to speak into leader's lives.  And, as a family, we are gaining ground that I believe we will keep.

And, don't forget - it was only after the Wizard came out from behind that curtain that he was able to empower others and experience real freedom.

What it really means to pull the curtain back on our brokenness - Part 1

At 9 a.m. this morning I logged on to my Google + Hangout and started a coaching call with 5 pastors from all over the U.S.  Toward the end of the call one of them made a confession that all of us need to own at some point if we are ever going to experience true breakthrough as discipling leaders:

"I feel like the Wizard of Oz behind that curtain.  I know how to run the systems of our church, but I don't know how to invite people into my life and show them how to live as a disciple."

That may be worth reading again...

During our conversation, it was apparent that the following dynamics were at play:

1. No one had ever modeled for him how to make disciples who make disciples in the local church
2. He worried that if he gave honest access into his life, his marriage, and his family people may not want to follow him
3. He was so busy running the organization of the church that he didn't have any time left over to make disciples

My response?  Amen, Amen, and Amen!

For most, this is our starting point if we are honest about it.  And, if we have the courage to own this and confess it, this can become the starting blocks that we push against to move forward into the race.

I remember well a few years back when God shifted my focus from the nuts and bolts involved in the process of recruiting church planters and launching churches to the life on life realities of being a disciple of Jesus who makes disciples of Jesus.  I started caring a lot more about who these leaders were becoming, in the health of their marriages, and in sustainable and life giving rhythms that would take them far beyond "Launch Sunday".

Almost immediately a tension arose in me that I didn't expect.  On the one hand, I knew this shift toward discipleship as foundational for all ministry was a very good thing.  But, on the other hand, I also knew that I wasn't a good example of what this was suppose to look like.

My reality was that I traveled a lot for my job as a Church Planting Director.  My wife worked full time in sales and also traveled.  We lived over 20 minutes away from the church we attended, and our involvement was not especially deep or meaningful.  Our three teenage children were going through the normal stuff that teenagers go through, but I was not providing intentional leadership in the home to disciple them along the way.  In fact, the truth be known, I wasn't even leading my wife very well.  We seldom prayed together.  Most ministry attempts we made felt burdensome.  And, deep down, I felt like something very important in our marriage and our family was slipping away, but I had no idea what to do about it.

BUT - I was good at my job.  I was good at building teams, raising resources, and laying the groundwork to start new churches.  I could coach leaders, I could bridge the gap between the young planter and the denomination, and I could communicate well.  And, all of those are good things.

However, those good things were becoming my curtain.  I performed them well, but I also hid behind them.  There was a brokenness behind that curtain that I felt, but was afraid to own.  I was too embarrassed...there was too much at stake...what if people didn't want to follow me?

And then, the day came.  The day came when I could no longer ignore the brokenness, no longer cover it up with my competencies.  It was a Sunday in May, 2013.  I was visiting one of our church plants.  And, as I watched this young couple scramble around to build momentum in this baby church I began thinking about the toll this experience was taking on them, their marriage, and their children.  I could see the handwriting on the wall; they were in for the struggle of their lives in the coming months to hold all of this together.  We had trained them to gather a crowd and conduct a good worship service, but we had not trained them how to make disciples.

I could see my own brokenness on display.  But worse, I could see the sorrow and stress they were heading for, and I was the one who put them there.  My own story of burn out and deep cynicism for the church was being acted out for a new generation.  The only difference?  This time, I was one of the directors.

As I sat there that morning, taking all of this in, these two words bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me; "Never again".  I knew in that moment that I could never again put another family on the front lines of church planting without training and apprenticeship in making disciples.

But where would these trainers come from?  Who would we connect these aspiring church planters to apprentice with?

And then, the other shoe fell.  God was calling me to become one of those trainers.  God was calling me to provide a living example of a life worth imitating for these leaders.  But first, I had to pull back the curtain and admit my brokenness.  It was time to step out and begin dealing with the heart issues, and that meant owning my failures and struggles as a husband and father.  And that wasn't going to be easy...