Sandi reflecting on marriage...coaching for couples who want all God has for them

25 years ago Tom and I said, “I do” and became Mr. and Mrs. Blaylock.  Tom was fresh out of college and I was just over 20 years old.  I look back at our wedding photos and I think, “Who are those young (and might I add good looking) kids?”  I’m thankful for the wonderful adventure that Tom and I have been on since August 19, 1989 and look forward to many more happy years serving God and each other.   We’ve learned a few things about commitment, relationships, love and sacrifice along the way.

We celebrated this silver anniversary by going on a cruise to the Bahamas.  Regardless of our budget, we have always done something to honor each year that goes by.  Usually we do something simple like dinner and a movie, but we wanted to make this year special.  The best thing about the cruise was that we were able to focus on each other without distractions and stress.  

  

Sometimes it is really helpful to focus on the things that are going well and celebrate them. While we were on the cruise, we each wrote a list of the top 10 things we appreciated about each other. It was truly healing and beneficial to focus on the positive things about each other and write them down.  I didn’t spend any time thinking about negative things or things we need to work on; it was a list about grace and gratitude.  I wrote down the things you would expect to be on this type of list, that Tom is a man of integrity who loves God and is a strong leader who has influenced many to follow Christ.  I wrote that he is a great father and teacher but I also got more personal and wrote about how God has uniquely used Tom to speak love into my life.   We sat in the sunshine on the deck and shared our lists, one at a time.    I was surprised by the things that Tom seemed most pleased that I wrote.  He really liked my #8 item, “You adore me and make it known”.   I really liked his #7, “When I needed her most, Sandi has always stood by me”.  We both felt loved and respected as a result. 

After 25 years, here are a few things I encourage all couples to do:

1.     Love and respect each other – even when you don’t feel like it. (Ephesians 5:33)  For me this means speaking positively about one another in public and especially in front of the kids.   This means choosing to put each other’s needs above your own and trusting that God will provide.

2.     Invest in your relationship and not necessarily in stuff.  For us this means that we spend some money on vacations instead of buying a newer car.  It means that we have prioritized time together as a couple and as a family over working the extra hours to buy the next big thing.  This has paid off because we have things to share with each other and talk about when we are together.  (Matthew 6:21)

3.     Find time together – and time apart. I am an extrovert who loves to be around people but Tom is more of an introvert and recharges when he is by himself.  Find activities that you enjoy doing together and some that you enjoy doing apart.  We have to do both to be balanced and healthy.    This means I have to remember to give Tom some alone time and I have to trust God to meet my friendship needs.

4.     Create rhythms of up, in and out for your marriage and family.  Pray together on a scheduled basis, read scripture, and assist each other in the things that God has called you to do.  These don’t have to be difficult things, but they have to be consistent things that are sustainable and repeatable.  Put a few things on your calendar and stick to them.  We have a family “up” time on Tuesday nights where we read scripture and talk about it with the kids.  Tom and I pray together each night before we go to bed.  Thursday is “in” night and we try to get together with other believers to build relationships.   Once a month on a Saturday we host a breakfast in our home as a way to reach “out” to our neighborhood.   These are simple things but they keep us on track with God and with each other.

5.     Be your spouse’s best cheerleader and let them know that you believe in them.  Allow them to share hopes and dreams without fear of shame or ridicule.  This means going first by sharing your ideas with your spouse and looking at the positive parts of their ideas before you offer any advice or criticism.  Learn to ask questions to bring out their ideas instead of telling them what you think they should do.

6.     Laugh together and learn from your mistakes.

There are so many things that have been helpful for us and our marriage – including counseling.   God’s love and grace has allowed us to extend love and grace to each other.  I look forward to many more years with Tom.  As we get older we say we are “living the dream”. We always wanted to grow old together and now we are doing just that.    

Marriage, grace, and old dogs learning new tricks: How to grow your marriage

Two weeks ago Sandi and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.  The actual date of our anniversary was back in August, but on January 13th we boarded a cruise ship out of Charleston and spent 5 nights with no cell phones, no texting, no internet, no Trivia Crack, no Facebook, and no email.  We unplugged from everything and just relaxed and enjoyed being together.  It was wonderful - truly a gift from God.  (I can not overstate the qualitative difference it made for us to step away from all social media and texting - we were able to breathe again and communicate at a deeper level.)

One day Sandi wanted to exercise and I wanted to nap - so I had a few moments to myself.  Instead of napping I began thinking about the treasure I have in Sandi and in our marriage.  Like any couple, we've had our ups and downs over the years, but on this occasion I felt so grateful for the way God has poured out his grace through Sandi that I needed to do something about it.  So, I wrote a Top 10 for Sandi, here are a few highlights:

#10 ~ Sandi has learned how to speak my love language: Acts of Service.  Every ironed shirt says, "I love you".

#5 ~ Sandi encourages and challenges me in so many ways.  Without her I would have lacked the courage and confidence to plant churches.  God used her to affirm his calling, and still does.

#2 ~ Since the evening Sandi and I sat on that Mackinac Island dock - back in 1987 - I knew with absolute certainty that she was the woman I wanted by my side for the rest of my life.  That was over 27 years ago, and I have never regretted or second guessed that decision.  We have gone through a few rough patches (mostly my fault) but I never wanted to be with anyone else.  She is the only one.

#1 ~ With a woman like Sandi as my wife, I believe our best days are yet to come.  In a couple of short years we will be empty nesters, and someday grandparents - and she will make all of that so much sweeter.  I don't look forward to growing old with Sandi, I look forward to growing bold together as we live, love, and hopefully laugh.

My encouragements for you as I reflect on over 25 years of marriage?

1. Learn how to speak one another's love language.  For most of us this will feel counter-intuitive at first, since your spouse's love language is probably different than yours.  Sandi needs quality time and focused attention to feel loved.  Doing the dishes or giving her gifts just don't communicate what she needs to hear.  But engaged conversation, going grocery shopping with her and helping to plan meals, long walks in the evening, and special times when just the two of us can get away and be together?  Bingo.
2. Always speak with respect to one another and about one another - especially in front of the kids.  Honoring your spouse with your words is crucial.  If communication in marriage degenerates into contempt or constant complaint - seek out a qualified Christian counselor right away - you are probably in more danger than you realize.  Find safe and private ways to vent your frustrations.  We give ourselves permission on our walks to blow off steam about our jobs, the kids, our marriage, whatever.  But we try to never turn these into a personal attack.  
3. Pray together and read God's word together - often.  The glue that has held us together for so many years?  Our mutual love and submission to God.  With Christ as our true north we always pull together when we are both seeking him with all of our hearts.  We pray together just about every night, and read the Bible out loud together.  These are the rhythms of life for the Christian marriage.

We would love to hear your insights on marriage!  How would you encourage that young couple just home from their honeymoon?

Our word for 2015? GRACE!

First off, I want to wish all of you a prosperous and joyful new year.  May you know in your heart and believe fully that your best - and most blessed - days are yet ahead.  (This is bedrock truth for all Christians of all ages in any circumstance.)

As Sandi and I have talked and prayed about 2015 we feel led to this word: Grace.  We are positioning our hearts and minds to receive and extend God's grace this year.  It is our intention to:

1. Look for God's grace
2. Find God's grace
3. Follow God's grace
4. Extend God's grace

This began to settle in my mind last Sunday.  We just completed the grueling 16 hour drive from Michigan back to Pawleys Island the day before.  We slept in that morning, sat down for waffles, bacon and eggs as a family, and then went to church.  Usually Grant has to hustle into work on Sunday mornings, and then meet us at church, but he took the day off.  There was no rushing.  

After church we planned to use a gift certificate to one of our favorite restaurants that the kids bought Sandi for Christmas - but we were still full from all of those waffles!  So, we decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and walk the beach.  It was sunny and almost 70 degrees...on December 28th!  After 46 years living in Michigan this was too good to be true.  We somehow realized that this moment was a gift from a Father who delights in giving good gifts to his children.  So, with grateful hearts we simply received it.  And I felt something inside of me exhale...

As we finished lunch the dessert question was posed by our waitress.  (Did I mention that our favorite restaurant is also on the pricey side?  The dessert by itself could buy a number 5 - Biggie Sized - at Wendys!)  All eyes turn to me at this critical moment.  If anyone is going to shoot down the prospect of dessert at a restaurant that provides actual silverware it will be tight-wad Dad!  But this amazing thing happened; instead of feeling anxiety over the bill and how it will impact our budget I felt like being generous.  I told the kids to go for it!  We stayed another 10 minutes while they devoured their shake and we enjoyed just being together.  Feeding your children is an obligation, but buying dessert is grace.  After basking in God's grace all morning and afternoon, I wanted to extend it.

So, what exactly is grace?  As a high school student I was given this definition:

God's
Riches
At
Christ's
Expense

I still like this definition - it is Gospel-centered, Biblical, and memorable.  It elevates Christ and reminds me of my rich inheritance as God's child.

Another insight?  Tim Chester says:

"God is gracious...so I don't have to prove myself."

I have come to love this concept in recent months!  It reminds me that grace can never be earned or repaid.  As Dallas Willard said: "Grace is not opposed to effort, it is opposed to earning."

So, as Sandi and I look for God's grace in 2015, here are some bread crumbs we will pay better attention to:

1. People taking precedence over projects.  As a recovering "get-out-of-my-way-so-I-can-get-it-done" leader, I am realizing that since I have nothing to prove (or to earn) I can relax more often.  Yes, I would always prefer to get it all done today and move on to the next project tomorrow, but it's OK if things get delayed because I spend more time in conversation, or say yes to playing catch with Grant, or decide to cook the kids fried egg sandwiches for breakfast.  When it comes to getting the job done and loving the people God has placed in my life - there is grace enough for both.  As I release my compulsion to prove myself through productivity, I find more room for relational engagement and enjoyment.
2. Unscheduled time.  Sandi and I were looking at our property the other day, dreaming about what kind of landscaping we might do this spring.  As we walked in front of the house I noticed the "set backs".  Set backs refer to the spacing that must exist (enforced by zoning laws) between your house and the properties around it.  Good zoning laws result in good spacing, or green space.  One of the things we love about this neighborhood is the green space.  And the funny thing is that green space serves no utilitarian purpose.  You can't build on it.  You can't really make it productive in any way.  It just is.  Green space gives margin, visual enjoyment, and for some reason makes us feel more relaxed simply by its presence.  Unscheduled, unhurried time is like green space for the soul.  Saying "no" to a crammed schedule means saying "yes" to more margin and green space.  And I always find God's grace there.  A good example from our walk on the beach the other day?  Because we were not rushing off to the next thing we took about 30 minutes to meet and talk with a man named Bruce about his dog.  He has a Boykin Spaniel, and we are seriously considering getting a Boykin this spring.  Phone numbers were exchanged, a breeder was recommended in a nearby town, and we made a connection with a neighbor who lives across the street from some mutual friends.  Those are bread crumbs of grace - and we intend to follow them to see where they lead.

I was talking with a dear friend last week about our observation that as some people get older, they get more cranky.  But, other people mellow out and become more gracious.  My dad mellowed out in his 60s - and it was a beautiful thing to experience as a son.  I want to follow my dad's example and grow in grace and graciousness as I near the half century mark.  Our word for 2015 is "Grace" - what is yours?