Why we need good friends to build and sustain a healthy marriage on mission

Sandi and I finished writing Marriage on Mission about a month ago.  Since then we have done our best to get the word out, asked several friends to read the manuscript and give input, and worked on a hundred details related to the publishing process.

However, those weren’t the most important things.  Let me tell you about the real progress we’ve made over the past thirty days.

First, I reached out to a few men I know from church and asked them to meet me for breakfast.  Between bites of bacon and toast loaded with strawberry jam (the most important part of any breakfast) I asked them a question:

“Will you join me on a journey to live a life worth imitating and pursue a marriage on mission?”

I asked three men this question, and they have all initially agreed.  In fact, I meet with two of them tomorrow morning to actually engage the process.  What will the process look like?  That remains to be seen, but I am confident it will include the following elements:

1.     We will agree upon a day and time to meet every week and make every effort to show up.

2.     We will agree upon a Bible reading plan and discuss how God is speaking to us through his word.

3.     We will ask one another certain accountability questions every week, answer them honestly, confess our sin to one another, and celebrate the victories.  These questions will touch areas of our lives like sexual purity, our pursuit of God and our spouse, and our witness to a lost world.

4.     We will pray for one another.

That’s pretty much it.  Our group will get no larger than four men and our meetings will last no longer than 60 – 90 minutes.  If God brings a fifth guy into our group, we will become two groups.

You may be wondering why I am writing about a men’s discipleship idea in a book about marriage.  Here’s the deal: If I intend to serve, lead, and engage Sandi in a growing marriage on mission I will need a support system outside of our relationship.

Remember, only two whole people can become one.  Sandi’s job is not to complete me, her job is to help and partner with me in discovering and living out God’s will. If I look only to her for all of my emotional, friendship, and personal needs to be met I am setting both of us up for failure.  God meets all of my needs, and he does so through relationships.  It just so happens he chooses to meet some of those needs through friendships with other guys – and it’s my responsibility to cultivate those relationships and bring that health into my marriage.

Sandi is seeking out healthy relationships with a few other women as well.  Yesterday she walked with Michelle and today she had lunch with Joyce.  I am striving to grow into a good husband, but I will never make a wonderful girlfriend.  She needs both, and so do I. 

The principle: Build a support system outside of your marriage with safe, same sex friends who know you and love you.  Instead of pressuring your mate to become all things for you, bring the strength you glean from those friendships into your marriage to better serve and bless your spouse.

There is grace and challenge I receive from my brothers in Christ that I can get nowhere else.  This is why we must ultimately look beyond marriage on mission to family on mission – our marriages must be nourished from the rich soil of Christian community.

Second, we had a big fight a few weeks ago.  In fact, it was on the same day we completed the first draft of this book.  It wasn’t a long argument, but what it lacked in duration it more than compensated for with intensity. 

Come to think of it, we tussled again this morning.

Why am I telling you this? 

We are sold out for all God wants to do in and through our marriage – this is real life for us.  However, we are also committed to wrestling through every disappointment and setback.  We have been reminded in the past three weeks that progress for us looks like two steps forward, and one step back. 

The reason for some of the struggles of late has been my lack of engagement (I blame my travel schedule, but that’s not entirely true) and not enough walking together.  Our walks function like a pressure release valve, and if we miss that communication it’s only a matter of time before something explodes.  So, this afternoon we are taking a long walk and I will intentionally engage in the things she needs to talk about.  I have a few stresses weighing on my heart that need to be ventilated as well.  (These anxieties have taken up so much emotional bandwidth for me I have withdrawn into myself – the very impulse I need to resist.)

The principle: Insist upon consistent communication patterns that make room for venting, dreaming, and processing loss.  (When you blow-up, give grace, seek forgiveness, and get back into healthy communication rhythms.)

And last, don’t lose sight of the mission!  I have struggled with my OUT relationships this month.  So many other things have gotten in the way (again, several excuses come to mind – there is a never ending stream).  Our last Saturday brunch was over six weeks ago, and prayer walking has been pretty anemic since then.  I knew in my heart today that we needed to pray and look for opportunity. 

We made three decisions this afternoon.

1.     Our date night tonight (both kids are gone) will be baking chocolate chip cookies and preparing gift bags for ten neighbors with Christmas cookies and an invitation to brunch this Saturday.  (Sandi made me promise I would stay in the kitchen at her side until the job was done – I agreed as long as she promised I could eat as many cookies as I want.)

2.     I will cancel my duck-hunting trip for Saturday and we will hold a neighborhood brunch.  (Don’t be too impressed by my spiritual fervor, getting up at 4 a.m. sounds less and less appealing as I get older.)

3.     We are going to visit a neighbor who is holding church services in her home.  We saw the yard signs over a month ago – and we both believe God wants us to get to know this family and see if there may be some ways we can partner together to make the good news of Jesus tangible to our neighbors.

So, there it is!  Not very glamorous, is it?  Like I said, this is real life – and real life gets messy.  One minute you are writing a book about ministry partnership, and the next you are yelling at one another.  Not sure we will ever fully outgrow the back and forth nature of this.  Not sure we are supposed to this side of heaven…

We leave you with this encouragement:

"...surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

~ Jesus, Matthew 28:20

You may have huge obstacles to overcome, but you are not alone.  And, where there is Jesus there is hope.

Podcast: Our behind the scenes Interview - Our next Marriage on Mission Retreat - Pre-order our book and save 20%!

The above picture was taken at our first ever Marriage on Mission Retreat last week.  God's grace is flowing right now, and we want to share it with you.

So, here are a few things to pass along:

First, Sandi and I were interviewed yesterday by Noah Filipiak.  Listen to his podcast and read his intro below.

Authors, veteran church planters, retreat leaders, and marriage and ministry leadership coaches Tom and Sandi Blaylock (Pawleys Island, SC) share with honesty, grace and transparency the many struggles they’ve endured as a married couple in ministry. These experiences have given Tom and Sandi a wealth of wisdom on how married couples can heal their marriages. This interview truly goes “behind the curtain” of the Blaylock’s lives and ministry as host Noah Filipiak walks with Tom and Sandi through topics of working long hours, insecurity, woundedness, using ministry as a mistress, and what to do when a minister’s spouse is not interested in doing ministry.

Many people assume ministry leaders shouldn’t have marital problems when in fact the position of ministry leadership innately brings with it unique marital opposition.

Find Tom and Sandi at LifeWorthImitating.Blogspot.com and get a free copy of Chapter 1 of their book Marriage on Mission at MarriageOnMission.com

Connect with Tom on Facebook and Twitter.

Second, if you are a ministry-minded couple (whether vocationally or not) and want to join us for our next Marriage on Mission Retreat this spring in beautiful Pawleys Island, South Carolina email Sandi and let us know.  She can send you the details and dates.  We had a great time last week - here is the feedback we received yesterday from one of the participants:

Tom and Sandi,

I thought the whole retreat was GREAT!

It was very helpful when you both shared so honestly what you'd been through. The morning sessions with afternoons off was a good idea. I liked the processing groups and the drills. Good to have those since that helps to reinforce the teaching. The videos were good fun. Keep them!

Really enjoyed the bonfire on the beach and dinner at your place on Friday was lovely. At the dinner Margaret and I had a great time talking with Ruth and Ken.

Snacks were very nice. Margaret might have liked some decaf tea. She is not a coffee drinker and tries to avoid caffeine.

I think the Marriage on Mission retreat was one of the best retreats I've been on. It was fun, refreshing and very practical.

Thank you so much!

~ Kenneth

So, other than forgetting decaf tea, we feel really good about this first retreat!

Last, we are offering a Pre-order Special during the month of December for our book, Marriage on Mission.  Download the first chapter of the book and sign up for our monthly newsletter for more details on this.

How the Creation Mandate and the Great Commission Intersect by Dr. Bob Gonzales

This is a first for me - but today I am sharing a post from another writer, Dr. Bob Gonzales, who serves as Dean of Reformed Baptist Seminary. I ran across Dr. Gonzales' blog today while preparing for our marriage retreat which begins next week.

Today was my first visit to his blog. I am not promoting Baptists, any particular seminary, or a certain reformed theological viewpoint. (Full disclosure, I first met Jesus through the ministry of a Baptist church, graduated from seminary with Baptist roots, and have definite reformed leanings.)

Honestly, this article could have been written by a Celtic monk promoting his book on Darwinian eschatology and I would still probably share it! It's that compelling to me.

God continues to capture my heart by the vision and power of marriage on mission. This post just adds new fuel to that fire.

by BOB GONZALES posted on SEPTEMBER 10, 2011

God created mankind for a mission: “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen 1:28). Many Bible scholars and theologians interpret this imperative as “the cultural mandate” and see it as providing the basis for marriage, procreation, and vocation. But what they often miss is the cultic or religious dimension underlying this mandate. God’s commission for humanity entailed more than making babies and harnessing the earth’s resources. Adam, as Yahweh-Elohim’s image-son (Gen 1:26; 5:1-3), was responsible to mediate God’s rule and special presence in the world representatively. To be more precise, Adam’s commission included a kingly, priestly, and prophetic calling.

Remembering the cultic dimension of God’s mission for mankind enables one to see the connection between the Creation Mandate and the Great Commission. When Jesus informs his disciples that he’s been invested with supreme authority and commissions them to make disciples of all the nations (Matt 28:18-20), he’s really not introducing “Plan B.” Rather, Jesus, as the Second Adam, is fulfilling the task the First Adam failed to complete. He, together with his helper, the Church, is “being fruitful and multiplying and filling the earth” with renewed “images of God” who, in turn, reflect God’s glory and mediate God’s rule and presence in the world. Accordingly, God’s redemptive intentions are not a substitute for his creative intentions but their fulfillment.

This connection between the Creation Mandate and the Great Commission is developed at some length in John Fesko’s Last Things First: Unlocking Genesis 1-3 with the Christ of Eschatology. Here’s a small excerpt:


The dominion mandate cannot be fulfilled simply by procreation or by having large families. The work of the second Adam cannot be divorced from the work of the dominion mandate. The original pronouncement of the dominion mandate was tied to procreation. Adam and his helpmate were to produce offspring who bore the image of their creator, filling the earth with those who worshiped God. Subsequent to the fall, Adam and Eve could no longer fulfill the mandate because of the presence of sin, as is evident in the battle between the seed of the serpent and the woman (Gen. 4:1ff). With the advent of the second Adam, Christ takes up the work of the dominion mandate by producing offspring with his helpmate, the Church, and creates those who bear his image. The dominion mandate is not fulfilled through procreation but through the propagation of the gospel. Therefore, those who are not married, such as Paul himself (1 Cor. 7:8), can boast of having many children (1 Cor. 4:14; Gal. 4:19; 1 Tim. 1:2; 2 Tim. 1:2; Philem. 10; Titus 1:4) because they are produced through the propagation of the gospel. They are not the offspring of a husband and wife but the offspring of the second Adam and his helpmate, the second Eve, the church (cf. John 1:13).2

So while it’s still appropriate to interpret the Creation Mandate (Gen 1:26-28) as the grounds for marriage, procreation, and vocation, it’s important not to miss its eschatological and doxological dimensions. Adam and Eve were created to fill the earth with worshipers of God who would extend the boarders of God’s Edenic garden-sanctuary to the ends of the earth at which time they, in imitation of their Creator-Lord, would enter into their eternal Sabbath enthronement at God’s right hand. But wherein the First Adam and Eve failed, the Second Adam and Eve shall succeed. And when all enemies are put under their feet, they shall together enjoy the fullness of Sabbath rest, ruling and reigning together in the New Heavens and New Earth.

Bob Gonzales, Dean
Reformed Baptist Seminary

The anatomy of an Abrahamic calling - Excerpt from our soon-to-be-released book, Marriage on Mission

I completed the draft of our book, Marriage on Mission while flying home from Detroit today!  (The crowd goes wild!)

Sandi is writing a response between each chapter, and she hopes to finish soon.  Lord willing, the book will be available before Christmas.

I chose this excerpt from the final chapter because so many leaders I coach are entering a new, untested season.  Like Abraham, they are leaving the known and familiar for a foreign land, one that will be shown to them along the way.  

There are no maps.  There are no guarantees.  

But, there are promises.  And, there is a guide.

From Marriage on Mission, chapter 8:

What does the next chapter of our story look like?  To be honest, God has not revealed that to us yet.  Will we continue living in Pawleys Island after our youngest graduates high school?  Will we someday serve on the staff of a local church again?  Will I finally hit my growth spurt and reach 5’9” before I turn 50? 

We simply do not know (except for that last one!). 

We don’t know yet because God has placed a certain kind of call on our lives.  We are experiencing an Abrahamic calling, not a Mosaic calling.

What’s the difference?

When God called Abraham in Genesis 12:1 – 3 he said:

“Go from you country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.  I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

Here’s what we read about God calling Moses in Exodus 3:7 – 10:

“I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt…So now, go.  I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.”

We observe:

·      Abraham was told to leave Harran and begin a journey without a specific destination in mind.  God promised to show him along the way.  (He knew his general destination was Canaan, but God was short on specifics.)

·      Abraham was promised territory, blessing, his name to be made great, his descendants to form a nation, and to become the instrument of blessing to everyone on earth.

·      Moses was immediately given a specific destination and mission.  His assignment?  Go to Egypt and tell Pharaoh to release the Israelites and lead them out of the country.

·      God promised to be with Moses.  God also promised that Moses and the Israelites would worship him on the same mountain where the burning bush encounter took place.  (In other words, God promised that the mission would be successful.)

These patriarchs are a study in contrasts: Abraham starts packing his bags while Moses starts making excuses.  The reasons Moses gave God for NOT going to Egypt and chatting with Pharaoh?

1.     Who am I?  Can’t you send someone important?

2.     I don’t even know your name – what if they ask who sent me?

3.     What if they don’t believe me?

4.     I am not good at speaking in front of groups.

5.     Can’t you send someone else?  Anyone?  Pretty please?

Moses became the leader of millions because everyone else in line took one step backwards and he never got the text! 

No, he didn’t want to lead.  He tried leading as a younger man, and it was a disaster.  He simply wanted to wander the backside of the dessert caring for his father-in-law's sheep. 

But, God intervened.  God pursued him.  Is God intervening in your life?  Do you feel pursued?  If so, turn towards him.  Embrace him.  Not only does he have something for you to do, he has someone for you to become along the way.  Want to grow into the best possible husband or wife?  Submit to God’s will and ways and become that person!

A few reflections that are helping us navigate the road before us:

First, both are legitimate calls of God.  Moses was reluctant, filled with doubt and fear, and totally unqualified in his own mind.  God answered every one of Moses’ objections, made provision for him by giving him a staff that morphs into a snake and by sending his brother Aaron to stand with him and communicate to Pharaoh.  There are instances when God lays it out for us and explains on the front end what he intends to do and how he intends to do it.  He patiently answers our questions and leads us, step by step, into accomplishing his will.  Whatever we need he supplies and whatever he supplies is always enough.

Abraham, on the other hand, had a different experience.  His calling was oblique.  He was told to leave home and embark on a one-way journey, but several important details were missing.  In other words, God left gaps in the revelation.  These “God-Gaps” mean that we lack the resources within ourselves to complete the mission and guarantee that if God doesn’t show up and fill those gaps we are doomed to failure.  (Moses encountered several God-Gaps as well, but they were not as directional in nature.)

Although Abraham’s calling was more of a “just-in-time” arrangement, the promises he received were very specific and deeply profound.  It was the promise of millions of descendants that captured his heart and imagination.  He was an old man with no children, desperate for an heir.  If God could make good on this promise leaving home without a GPS would be a small price to pay.

Sandi and I are getting our marching orders from God these days on a “need-to-know” basis.  We feel like Israel in the wilderness.  We get up each morning, look out of our tent to see if the pillar of cloud stayed put overnight (to determine if we are staying or leaving), and walk outside to collect enough manna for that day.  We have no 5-year plan.  We do not know where we will be living in 19 months.  Our budget is more focused on daily bread than annual forecasts.  The marriage retreat we are hosting next month could lead to incredible opportunity or be a complete bust.  There is a moment-to-moment texture to our lives; we have climbed out so far on this faith limb there is no turning back.  When it eventually snaps we are trusting God to catch us in mid-air.

In this sense we are free.

We are free because we are doing our very best to seek God and his kingdom as our first priority.  And the promise he gives us in Matthew 6:33 says that as we do that he will meet all of our needs.  So, it’s really on him.  We need to be faithful with the day-to-day stuff he has asked us to do and trust Him to do all the heavy lifting.

Top 10 lessons we have learned about the UP, IN, and OUT lifestyle.

Today I want to share an excerpt with you from chapter 7 of our book, "Marriage On Mission". The following represents our top 10 learnings from the past two years as we seek to live UP, IN, and OUT as a couple. (If you missed my blogpost on this topic, be sure to check it out first.) 

Remember:

• UP is loving God and growing in our relationship with him (think about what Jesus taught in John 15 about abiding in the vine)
• IN is loving and serving his church (think the "one anothers" of the Bible and equipping believers for the work of the ministry)
• OUT is loving a lost world, one person at a time. (Think about Luke 15 and Jesus' stories of the lost coin, lost sheep, and lost son)

When it all comes together we model, make, and multiply missionary disciples and missionary churches!

1. Establish these patterns (UP, IN and OUT) and stay focused on them, but give yourself grace. There will be weeks when one of the kids is sick, when you have to travel for work, or when you are just too busy with other things that popped up. Don’t sweat it! Our goal is to hit 3 out of 4 times. So, if we hit 75% we feel great about it. If we dip to 50% or lower we make adjustments.
2. Be flexible, but stay stubborn. Tomorrow night is Tuesday but we are having a family from church over for dinner (normally that would be an IN focus for us, which should happen on Thursday night). So, we will do our UP as a family on Thursday this week. We are able to interchange Tuesday and Thursday nights (UP and IN respectively), but so far have been unsuccessful switching to another night of the week.
3. Be creative. I have joined our family for UP on speakerphone, and we have Skyped our oldest daughter into family meals. These are not ideal, but some connection is better than no connection.
4. There are certain seasons of the year that just don’t work well – like Christmas vacation, major holidays, and certain weeks during the summer. Rest up during these periods and come back strong next time. Remember, 3 out of 4 on average is the goal. (Also, be open to experimenting with something new. Try mixing it up from time to time when the normal rhythm is not workable.)
5. For our UP nights, I read a chapter of the Bible and then, without commentary, pass the Bible around the table. Each person talks about what stood out to them and why. Resist the temptation to preach a sermon! Keep your input brief, personal, and sincere. When possible, ask everyone to share a prayer request and to pray for someone else.
6. Prayer walking our neighborhood consistently is the key for us. We walk 3 or 4 days a week, sometimes more often (living in South Carolina helps!). Our secret? Smile, talk with those who smile back, and invite them to the next brunch (our monthly OUT focus in the neighborhood) if they seem open. Also, be sure to clean up your dog’s poo from their lawn – we want to be good news as we earn the opportunity to share the Good News. Seriously.
7. Look for other Christ followers in your neighborhood and ask them to join you. We are developing friendships with a few Christian families and I have asked some to partner with us. So far that just means come when you can, pray for your neighbors, and invite someone new to our next brunch.
8. Be very discerning about inviting people to church. We live in the south, so just about everybody will tell you they belong to this or that church. Some of them are faithfully worshipping and serving, others are not. Either way, if a church invitation comes too quickly your brunch (or whatever you do for OUT) can quickly turn into a recruiting conversation that turns people off. Focus on building a friendship first. Once you get to know each other better and they see your heart for God and people conversations about church naturally arise. Be patient, no one wants to feel like your project.
9. Set the dates for your OUTs early. Whatever you decide to do get it in the calendar so that you can talk to people about it and extend invitations. The old, “Let’s get together for dinner sometime” usually means, “I want you to like me and believe I care about you, but I am honestly too busy to invest time into a relationship with you”. That may sound harsh, but let’s call it what it is.
10. Pay special attention when people are under tension or experiencing transition. We recently brought a meal to our neighbors after a death in the family. A few months back we prayed for a man facing an amputation. This past year we have cut the grass for an older couple grappling with cancer. And just yesterday I mailed a card to the man who manages the restaurant our son works at who is recovering from neck surgery. These little touches mean so much to people under tension. Also, pay attention to new people moving into the neighborhood. A plate of cookies to a new neighbor can be the most spiritual thing you do all week!

Would love to hear what a few of you are learning!

How to open the door for deep partnership in your marriage (includes excerpt from "Marriage on Mission")

As some of you know, Sandi and I have been writing our first book, "Marriage on Mission" for the past three months.  My goal was to have the book written by Labor Day.

Today is Labor Day.

OK, so I didn't make the self-imposed deadline!  But, the good news is I just completed the draft for chapter 6 and the book should be to our publisher by the end of the month! 

Today I want to share an excerpt from chapter 6.  I would love to hear some comments on this post - so step up and let your voice be heard!

I read this to Sandi yesterday over lunch, and I couldn't get through it without tears.  I am so incredibly grateful for my wife, and for the grace of God in my life!  You will see why...

I will never forget the first time I heard it.  I was sitting in a Fort Wayne, Indiana boardroom.  I recall settling in for a very long meeting (these were usually all day affairs). 

Our leader, (then Regional Director Steve Jones who currently serves as the President of the Missionary Church) made the following statement:

There is an old African proverb that says: “If you want to go fast, go alone.  But if you want to go far, go together.”

Click.

Time slowed down for me as I took this in.  In an instant God had my full, undivided attention and I knew in that moment He was sending a message through Steve.

Here was the message:

“Tom, in your headlong pursuit to plant more churches and accomplish greater and greater things for me, you have left Sandi behind.  Go back for her.  I am sending you to a place of blessing and impact, but you can only make this journey with her at your side.”

I don’t recall another word uttered the rest of that day.  I was transfixed on the image of leaving my wife behind.  I knew it was true, and it grieved me.  Rising up beneath the grief was a sense of urgency.  “I have to go back for her!  I hope it’s not too late!”

The year was 2011.  This was one of the catalytic events God used to reshape my life and our marriage.  This came during that period of long walks while waiting on God to open doors.  And this message became a key that would open many doors.  Going far together would bring breakthrough, we just didn’t know how.

But, first things first; why did I leave Sandi behind to begin with?

It was the book, “Covenant and Kingdom” by Mike Breen that helped me understand this better.  Mike makes a compelling argument for two strands of DNA that run throughout all scripture: covenant and kingdom.  Covenant is all about relationship and two people becoming one, new identity.  God’s covenant with Abram illustrates the power of these relational ties.  Abram’s name change to Abraham signified the intimacy of covenant as he took on part of God’s name (just like Sandi’s name changed through our covenant of marriage).  It is through covenant that we receive our truest identity.

Kingdom, on the other hand, speaks of responsibility, authority, and power.  When we engage God’s kingdom the dead rise, the earth splits, and mountains blaze.  If covenant is a romance novel, kingdom is a fast paced, action packed thriller. 

My problem?  I was attempting to earn my identity through kingdom accomplishments.  My bigger problem?  Since God gives identity by his grace through covenantal relationships, I was searching in the wrong place.  Believing I had to somehow earn my identity I always felt compelled to do more.  As I moved from one thing to the next in a restless pursuit of identity and affirmation, Sandi grew weary and wounded.

This was our exact situation after I resigned from our first church plant.  Sandi was deeply wounded, and my sense of identity and significance were threatened by my apparent lack of success in leading our church to greater heights.  I needed another win, and I needed it quickly.  So, we planted another church.  This time we used a house church model, which meant I also needed to find employment.  Hey, another opportunity to earn my identity!  Why not start a new business to fund our church plant and pay the bills for our family?  Great idea!

Let’s be clear about one thing; I was in no way, shape, or form ready to plant another church.  I, too, was deeply wounded, but I didn’t feel like I had the time to address all of that.  In fact, I was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.  Sandi was reeling from all of the broken and strained relationships that were left in the wake of my resignation.  It was the worst possible time to attempt another church plant.  Yet, I felt driven to do so. 

That’s when I left Sandi behind.  That’s when she got out and I drove off.  She could not follow me.  She tried her best to be supportive, but it just wasn’t in her.  Instead of leading her into a season of rest and healing focused upon our covenant with God, one another, and the friends who loved us I pushed her back into an ill-conceived attempt to plant another church.

But, it gets worse.  I began viewing Sandi as a liability.  She couldn’t keep up with me anymore.  Her need to slow down and find healing through relationship and a grace filled community felt like a weakness to me.  My attitude became, “Get over it already and help me build this new church.  Don’t you know that people are going to hell?”

Once again, failure was not an option.  Once again, our marriage paid a heavy price.  And, once again, I justified my sinful attitudes toward Sandi and my striving for something God had already given me (identity as a beloved son) through spiritual sounding logic.